Wednesday, 30 September 2009

I am SUCH an asshole.

09/24/09 - 10:35 pm - Although I typed this post today, I have set the post date for September 30th on this one...I want the embers to cool down before I share with the world. I will update the situation on the 30th too.

Grab a coffee...this will be a long one.

Last October, after not smoking for 2 years, I had a drag off of one of the neighbours' cigarettes. By Christmas, I was full on smoking again.

At first, no one knew, except the neighbours. Slowly, but surely, I came clean with everyone except the kids, including my Mom.

Tonight, Boy Oneder caught me red-handed.

My friend had come to call on me and I was over at the neighbour's house smoking. Boy Oneder had come outside to find me and when he looked over, I had the cigarette to my mouth.

I thought that it was too dark to see and didn't think anything of it. I finished my smoke and my friend and I sat on my porch chatting. I could hear sobbing sounds from inside the house, and the next thing I knew, Hubster flew the door open and with a look of rage, mouthed that Boy Oneder saw me smoking. My friend left and I went straight inside. He was hysterical. He hugged me and cried, "You smoke, don't you?!"

I was dumbfounded. I just hugged him and said nothing. Middleman was on the stairs, hearing his brother's hysterical sobs and said, "What? Mom, you smoke?" Boy Oneder yelled, "NO MIDDLEMAN, don't worry about it!" and Middleman said, "do you Mom? Do you?" I told Boy Oneder to come with me to his room so we could talk. I told him no and said I needed to talk to Boy Oneder and we went into his room and shut the door.

I told him to compose himself and that I wanted to wash my hands because they stunk. Meanwhile, I had to think of what I was going to say...I had nothing.

I sat him down on the bed and my 13 year old son told me the effects of smoking. He told me that every cigarette took 5 minutes off my life. "Mom..that's 5 minutes less with Threepeat. He needs his Mom." I was DEVASTATED. Absolutely and completely devastated. He told me that he was afraid that I would get addicted and die. He assumed, thank goodness, that tonight was the first time I had ever smoked..I went with that story.

I told him I wasn't addicted. I told him it was just one. I looked him in the eyes and swore to him I would never, ever smoke again. My heart is broken.

He told me not to tell Middleman because he would freak out. He said, "Mom...just tell him I am growing and that my hormones are messed up."

I am SUCH an asshole.

Not only is he lecturing me on something I should be lecturing HIM about, but he is protecting his little brother too.

I hugged him, I asked him to forgive me, I told him I was a jerk, I told him I was sorry for disappointing and scaring him and I told him again and again I would never smoke again.

I am buying the patch tomorrow morning.

May I never, EVER forget how horrible I feel right now. May I never, EVER put another cigarette to my lips. May I get his forgiveness.

My heart is in pieces...I am SUCH an asshole. Pin It

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