Thursday, 10 September 2009

Daddy

I went through some of my bookmarks today and found my Dad's Caringbridge page that I kept during his last few months. I haven't posted there since his birthday in 2007. I don't think I've ever shared the contents on my blog, and, as a safeguard, just in case Caringbridge disappears one day, I wanted to cut and paste the entire journal here.

Rather than post tons of separate entries by date, I thought I'd just cut and paste it into one humungous post, so here it is, in reverse order...

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Tuesday, February 20, 2007 8:28 AM CST

Happy Third Birthday in Heaven Dad.

Still miss you and think about you almost every day.


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Wednesday, January 10, 2007 4:21 PM CST





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Sunday, June 18, 2006 7:29 PM CDT

Happy Father's Day Daddy....my third fatherless Father's Day.

I love you dearly and miss you much.



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Saturday, May 20, 2006 10:46 AM CDT

We lost you two years ago today.

I picture you and Joanne laughing, loving and remembering all the good times we had together.

The physical pain is gone, but the hole in my heart will never again be filled.

I love you Daddy.



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Monday, February 20, 2006 9:00 AM CST

Happy 59th Birthday Daddy...your second birthday in Heaven. I will think about you all day today.



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Thursday, February 2, 2006 10:10 PM CST

Dad...today we committed Joanne, your baby daughter to heaven.

Please take care of her. She's with her Daddy.

Joanne Stevenson...January 10, 1972 to January 28, 2006

RIP Baby Sister.



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Friday, December 16, 2005 9:34 PM CST

To My Dearest Family:

Some things I'd like to say
but first of all to let you know
that I arrived okay
I'm writing this from Heaven
where I dwell with God above
where there's no more tears
or sadness there
is just eternal love
Please do not be unhappy
just because I'm out of sight
remember that I'm with you
every morning, noon and night
That day I had to leave you
when my life on Earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me
and He said I welcome you
It's good to have you back again
you were missed while you were gone
as for your dearest family
they'll be here later on
I need you here so badly
as part of My big plan
there's so much that we have to do
to help our mortal man
Then God gave me a list of things
He wished for me to do
and foremost on that list of mine
is to watch and care for you
And I will be beside you
every day and week and year
and when you're sad
I'm standing there
to wipe away the tear
And when you lie in bed at night
the days chores put to flight
God and I are closest to you
in the middle of the night
When you think of my life on Earth
and all those loving years
because you're only human
they are bound to bring you tears
But do not be afraid to cry
it does relieve the pain
remember there would be no flowers
unless there was some rain
I wish that I could tell you
of all that God has planned
but if I were to tell you
you wouldn't understand
But one thing is for certain
though my life on Earth is o're
I am closer to you now
than I ever was before
And to my very many friends
trust God knows what is best
I'm still not far away from you
I'm just beyond the crest
There are rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb
but together we can do it
taking one day at a time
It was always my philosophy
and I'd like it for you too
that as you give unto the World
so the World will give to you
If you can help somebody
who is in sorrow or in pain
then you can say to God at night
my day was not in vain
And now I am contented
that my life it was worthwhile
knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile
So if you meet somebody
who is down and feeling low
just lend a hand to pick him up
as on your way you go
When you are walking
down the street
and you've got me on your mind
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind
And when you feel the gentle breeze
or the wind upon your face
that's me giving you a great big hug
or just a soft embrace
And when it's time for you to go
from that body to be free
remember you're not going
you are coming here to me
And I will always love you
from that land way up above
Will be in touch again soon

P.S. God sends His Love

--Author Unknown




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Monday, December 5, 2005 8:32 PM CST

Christmas is coming. Each day gets harder...you are in my mind more often as the day approaches.


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Wednesday, November 30, 2005 10:00 PM CST

I'm sorry Dad....

I bought a Hyundai. As much as Chrysler has done for our family, I couldn't justify the payments they wanted for less car than Hyundai was offering.

Please forgive me.



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Friday, October 28, 2005 8:22 PM CDT

Fall days are upon us. Nights are cold, days are short. The sun rarely shines. Soon, the snowflakes will fall and nature will sleep.

I look forward to the new life that spring will bring...wish you were here..........................


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Sunday, September 4, 2005 10:11 PM CDT

It's been a while since I updated. Hectic summer days are slowly coming to an end now and the fall, back to school days are about to begin.

Nothing much to report...I'm going to England on Thursday with Mom for 10 days. Just the two of us...should be a nice trip...





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Wednesday, August 17, 2005 3:14 PM CDT

I'm thinking about you today, on my 36th Birthday Daddy...

Hugs From Heaven

When you feel a gentle breeze
Caress you when you sigh
It's a hug sent from Heaven
From a loved one way up high.

If a soft and tender raindrop
Lands upon your nose
They've added a small kiss
As fragile as a rose.

If a song you hear fills you
With a feeling of sweet love
It's a hug sent from Heaven
From someone special up above.

If you awaken in the morning
To a bluebird's chirping song
It's music sent from Heaven
To cheer you all day long.

If tiny little snowflakes
Land upon your face
It's a hug sent from Heaven
Trimmed with Angel lace.

So keep the joy in your heart
If you're lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven
A broken heart will mend.

Charlotte Anselmo




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Tuesday, August 9, 2005 8:42 AM CDT

What Makes a Dad...

God took the strength of a mountain,
The majesty of a tree,
The warmth of a summer sun,
The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature,
The comforting arm of night,
The wisdom of the ages,
The power of the eagle's flight,

The joy of a morning in spring,
The faith of a mustard seed,
The patience of eternity,
The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities,
When there was nothing more to add,
He knew His masterpiece was complete,
And so, He called it ... Dad

Author unknown



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Friday, July 22, 2005 7:39 PM CDT

I'm thinking of you alot this last couple of days....

My heart is aching again Dad. The tears flow like rain...why doesn't the ache go away? Why do I still miss you so much?

How many times did I tell you that you were my hero? You so were Dad...more than anyone will ever know.

I love you....


"Wind Beneath My Wings"

Ohhhh, oh, oh, oh, ohhh.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.



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Wednesday, July 20, 2005 9:22 PM CDT

I found this little poem on the net and sobbed when I read it. At the age of 57, my Dad walked like an 80 year old from all the chemo damage. It made me think of him and I cried, and cried and cried.....

I like to walk with Grandpa,
His steps are short like mine.
He doesn't say "Now hurry up!"
He always takes his time.
Most people have to hurry,
They do not stop and see,
I'm glad that God made Grandpa
"Unrushed" and young like me.

-Author Unknown


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Monday, July 18, 2005 12:26 AM CDT

A little girl needs a daddy,
for many many things:
For calling her a princess,
and for pushing on the swings.
For loving her to pieces,
and for tucking in at night.
a little girl needs a daddy every single night.


Even though I'm not so little anymore, I still need my Daddy...every single night.


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Monday, July 4, 2005 9:19 AM CDT

Daddy...

"He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to into the basement by himself. He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went out to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures ... but he was never in them."

-- Erma Bombeck


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Sunday, June 19, 2005 10:54 AM CDT

Happy Father's Day Daddy. I miss you dearly on this, my second fatherless Father's Day.




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Tuesday, June 14, 2005 7:35 PM CDT

I thought of you alot today Dad.

Middleman graduated from Senior Kindergarten. I know you would have been there, proud as punch.

I felt your presence today Daddy. I know you were watching.

I love you...


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Thursday, May 20, 2005 9:08 PM CDT

One year later, the pain is still there...the emptiness still aching....

There's a special kind of feeling
When I think about you, Dad.

It's a pleasure to remember
All the special times we've had.

There's a special kind of caring
That is meant for you alone.

There's a place somewhere
Within my heart that only you can own.

I'll always be Daddy's little girl...the void in my heart will never, ever be filled...a hole which can only be filled when you run to meet me in Heaven.

---Dawn (ba-ba)


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Friday, May 13, 2005 2:26 PM CDT

Today is Friday the 13th...

You would be at the Port Dover Friday the 13th Ride.

When I saw all the bikes this morning, my heart physically ached, knowing how much you loved those rides....



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Wednesday, April 20, 2005 7:40 PM CDT

We lost you eleven months ago today...where on earth does the time go?

It's easier now....we have adapted to life without you here, but I think of you daily....

I'm trying my best to take good care of Mom. She's moving to our subdivision in two weeks, so I can keep a good eye on her and keep her safe...

All my love,
Dawn


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Wednesday, April 13, 2005 7:53 PM CDT

Almost a year....

Where has the time gone?

I miss you dearly..............


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Thursday, March 31, 2005 9:11 PM CST

Although Dad never got to ninety plus years, this story made me think of him anyway......


Grandpa, some ninety plus years, sat feebly on the patio bench. He didn't move, just sat with his head down staring at his hands. When I sat down beside him he didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if he was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb him but wanting to check on him at the same time, I asked him if he was OK.

He raised his head and looked at me and smiled. Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking, he said in a clear strong voice.

I didn't mean to disturb you, grandpa, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK I explained to him.

Have you ever looked at your hands he asked. I mean really looked at your hands?

I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point he was making.

Grandpa smiled and related this story:

Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years.

These hands, though wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I have used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life.

They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots.

They dried the tears of my children and caressed the love of my life. They held my rifle and wiped my tears when I went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent.

They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son.
Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special. They wrote the letters home and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse and walked my daughter down the aisle.

Yet, they were strong and sure when I dug my buddy out of a foxhole and lifted a plow off of my best friends foot. They have held children, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body. They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer. These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of my life.

But more importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ.

I will never look at my hands the same again. But I remember God reached out and took my grandpa's hands and led him home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and wife I think grandpa. I know he has been stroked and caressed and held by the hands of God. I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel his hands upon my face.



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Sunday, March 20, 2005 4:10 PM CST

10 months ago today, I lost you...seems like a lifetime, yet seems like yesterday.......


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Thursday, March 17, 2005 8:57 PM CST

Still miss you Daddy....

I visited your grave today....although it's been almost a year, it seems like yesterday that I lost you.

Every time I go to your condo, I see you, smell you and hear you....

I love you.


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Thursday, March 3, 2005 10:02 AM CST

Each day gets a little easier, until something sets me back.

You are on my mind and in my heart every day...

Love you.


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Sunday, February 20, 2005 8:10 AM CST

Happy 58th Birthday Daddy...wish you were here.

"Happy Birthday Daddy"
It's sure to be the best one yet,
Though you left me here behind.
Did you think that I'd forget?

Your cake this year, will surely be,
A beauty to behold.
With the icing made of Silver,
And the candles made of Gold.

Yes your birthday in Heaven,
Will be such a grand affair.
And I know you'll look so lovely,
With a halo in your hair.

The Angels will come from everywhere,
To sing your birthday song.
And I know they'll be so happy,
That you've joined, God's Happy Throng.

No I can't send a card this year,
Or give a gift so fine.
So I'll just send a special prayer,
To that wonderful Daddy of mine.

By Winnie Lovett 1968





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Friday, February 18, 2005 4:54 PM CST

5 years ago today, we were told that you had cancer....

It seems like yesterday....


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Sunday, February 6, 2005 9:11 PM CST

The song played as we entered the chapel for my Grandfather's funeral. My Dad AND my Grandfather absolutely LOVED Pink Floyd. I wonder if they hear Pink Floyd in Heaven.

Pink Floyd
Wish You Were Here (1975)
Wish You Were Here

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.



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Wednesday, January 26, 2005 10:45 AM CST

LUTHER VANDROSS LYRICS

Dance With My Father


Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I'm praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don't do it usually
But dear Lord she's dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream



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Thursday, January 20, 2005 9:46 PM CST

Eight months ago today....

Can it really be that long? Wasn't it only yesterday that you were diagnosed?

I was just surfing the net here and I thought...man, I am so tired...I'm going to bed.

I closed my internet window and just as I was about to close down Yahoo Messenger, "You Raise Me Up" came on....it is SOOO eerie how that song plays at the most opportune times....unbelievable.

I love you Dad. Rest well.


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Thursday, January 6, 2005 7:22 AM CST

Wishing you were somehow here again...Phantom of the Opera

You were once my one companion . . .
you were all that mattered . . .
You were once a friend and father -
then my world was shattered . . .
Wishing you were somehow here again . . .
wishing you were somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here . . .
Wishing I could hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I never would . . .
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
all that you dreamed I could . . .
Passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental, seem, for you,
the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .
Too many years fighting back tears . . .
Why can't the past just die . . .?
Wishing you were somehow here again . . .
knowing we must say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive . . .
teach me to live . . .
give me the strength to try . . .
No more memories, no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across the wasted years . . .
Help me say goodbye.




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Wednesday, January 5, 2005 9:13 PM CST

Thought of you lots today as I was promoted today...I know you'd be proud of me.


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Sunday, January 2, 2005 10:58 AM CST

The first New Years Eve without you passed very slowly. It was the first year in my life that I did not hear your voice at midnight. No matter where you were, you would ALWAYS call me at midnight. Not this year...

Happy New Year Daddy....I love you.



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Tuesday, December 28, 2004 9:46 PM CST

Today is a really, really, really bad day. Don't know why...it just is. I miss you today more than I've missed you EVER. I miss Mom too. I wish she were here in Canada to hug me and tell me it's OK.

I want to close my eyes and be with you Daddy. I want to hold your hand one more time. This hurt is worse than any physical pain I have ever endured. How there are any tears left in me, I just don't know...

Oh my Daddy I miss you so. People tell me of their strained relationship with their Dad and I get so angry with God that he took you so soon. We had such a wonderful relationship...we loved each other so much...why oh why did he take you from me? Why, why why?????

I HATE that life has to go on without you. I HATE that my boys are grandfatherless. I HATE that a man who would be sucha role model to my boys is gone so soon. I HATE that I am so sad. I HATE life. I want to be with you Dad. I want to be with you........



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Sunday, December 26, 2004 9:29 PM CST

Well...I made it through Christmas Day without you. I thought about you constantly. I cried about you several times. I feel you were with me. I hope you were.

We went to visit your grave today. Your marker was buried under about two feet of snow, but we shovelled all the snow off. We all said a prayer in the freezing cold. It was very peaceful.

One more milestone behind me...my first fatherless Christmas...

I love you Dad.


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Friday, December 24, 2004 5:43 PM CST

Christmas Eve and you aren't here. I miss you so bad. You LOVED Christmnas. I remember you having a big black garbage bag ready for clean up of the Christmas wrapping paper. I remember how excited you were last Christmas to help the boys set up the air hockey game you bought them. I remember hugging you, kissing you and wishing you a Merry Christmas. I remember being so very happy because you were healthy last Christmas. I remember your smile, your funny little walk, your hugs and your smell. I remember your shoes, your coat and your baseball cap. I remember Christmases filled with love, happiness and excitement. I remember how you made every Christmas so magical. I remember you vividly Daddy. I cry these tears on the happiest day of the year because you are not here. I ache to hug you and wish you were still here.



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Sunday, December 19, 2004 11:26 AM CST


~I still hear the songs I still see the lights I still feel your love on cold wintery nights

~I still share your hopes & all of your cares I'll even remind you to please say your prayers

~I just want to tell you you still make me proud You stand head & shoulders above all the crowd

~Keep trying each moment to stay in His grace I came here before you to help set your place

~You don't have to be perfect all of the time he forgices you the slip If you continue the climb

~To my family & friends please be thankful today I'm still close beside you In a new special way

~I love you all dearly now don't shed a tear Cause I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year



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Saturday, December 18, 2004 9:22 PM CST

I've had my first Christmas in Heaven,
A glorious wonderful day!
I stood with the saints of the ages,
Who found Christ the truth and the way.

I sang with the heavenly choir,
Just think, I who longed to sing!
And O, what celestial music
We brought to our Savior and King!

We sang the glad songs of redemption,
How Jesus to Bethlehem came.
And how they called His name, Jesus,
That all may be saved through His name.

We sang once again with the angels,
The song they sang that blest morn;
When shepherds first heard the glad story
That Jesus, the Savior was born.

O, I wish you had been here,
No Christmas on earth could compare;
With all the rapture and glory
We witnessed in heaven so fair.

You know how I loved Christmas
It seemed such a wonderful day;
With all of my loved ones around us,
The children so happy and gay.

Yes, now I see why I loved it,
And O what a joy it will be
When you and my loved ones are with me
To share in the glories I see.

So dear ones on earth, here's my greeting:
Look up till the day dawn appears
And O, what a Christmas awaits us
Beyond all the partings and tears!

-author unknown


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Friday, December 17, 2004 4:11 PM CST

http://www.theparentperspective.com/boards/thread-view.asp?threadid=332354&posts=8#0


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Monday, December 13, 2004 7:41 AM CST

I've had a really hard time lately. I can't stop thinking about him.

I miss Dad so badly. My chest ACHES when I think of him. I think it's the time of year...Christmas is such a family time and he won't be here to share the holidays, not in person anyway :o)

Mom leaves for England on the 22nd so it will be a very quiet Christmas this year.

I am told that my feelings are normal and that the sadness will come in waves. I don't like this part of the wave...



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Sunday, November 28, 2004 8:40 PM CST

Dad would be very proud of me.

I quit smoking (One week, four days, 7 minutes and 52 seconds. 165 cigarettes not smoked, saving $57.78. Life saved: 13 hours, 45 minutes.)

I told him I smoked just about a month before he died. I am glad I came clean with him, but I feel guilty that he must have been very disappointed in me.

I've quit now and I know he's proud....


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Tuesday, November 2, 2004 9:16 AM CST

A piece I wrote for The Parent Perspective's Op/Ed feature...to be published in mid-November.


Angels Among Us

The date was Thursday, May 20th, 2004, at 2:45 in the afternoon. I know there were angels among us. It had been almost 5 years since his diagnosis. My Dad lay dying in the hospital, with my Mom, my sister, my Aunt and I all with him, holding his hand. The sun was streaming through the window and although it was the saddest moment of my life, there was a calm and peaceful feeling that is difficult to describe.

The radio was softly playing Shania Twain’s “It Only Hurts When I Breath”. Dad’s breaths got slower and shallower and we knew the end was imminent. As he took his last breath, Shania sang her last verse. A strong wind suddenly blew through the window and papers flew around the room. As he exhaled for the last time, the wind stopped and there was complete silence, save for the gentle sound of “That’s What Friends Are For” playing on the radio. We prayed and cried. It was over. The long, painful battle with Acute Lymphatic Leukemia was over. Dad was in the arms of his maker, no longer suffering. I know there were angels among us.

As we collected our things and said our last good-byes, Josh Groban sang “You Raise Me Up” on the radio. This song had become our family’s theme over the past couple of days. When Dad was admitted to Emergency, he lapsed into a coma. As he smiled at us for the last time before losing consciousness, the song was playing over the speakers. I know there were angels among us.

Over the next few days, we planned the most beautiful tribute to Dad. There were so many people at the Church. As the casket was brought in, Josh Groban’s “To Where You Are” played. My brother-in-law sang the song that had now become our theme song, “You Raise Me Up” so beautifully that I knew there were angels among us.

Dad’s battle was a long and hard one. He endured chemotherapy treatments that were so strong they should have killed him. He suffered through lumbar punches, hickman lines, poking, prodding, medications, infections, nerve damage, humiliation and mental anguish that none of us could ever comprehend. Knowing every day that he had a ticking bomb inside his blood that could explode any day must have been pure hell. He was too young to die…57 years old. And still, he never wavered. He was brave and strong and never complained. He never felt sorry for himself. He accepted his fate and when we asked him about it, he would always say, “Life deals the cards, we merely play the hand.” Throughout his long struggle, I knew there were angels among us.

My father’s battle and subsequent death were not in vain. He has touched so many people and changed so many lives that would otherwise not be touched. He has opened hearts and opened minds. He has helped people change the way they look at life. We all look at life very differently. We cherish each day. We tell each other how much we care. We choose our battles and let things that are unimportant go. My father was the proverbial sacrificial lamb that let us know that there are angels among us.

When I think back and realize how many signs there were, I know there were angels among us. They give us strength through hard times and guide us through the most difficult paths in life. When my Dad died, my eyes were opened to see things I never saw before. If we only open our hearts and minds, we will see the little clues that we are not alone. I know there are angels among us. The songs that play during the times of trial and turbulence are signs…some will say that it is coincidence. I don’t. Open your heart to the angels among you. I know my Dad is one of the angels now, watching over my family every day, helping us with our daily struggles. Thank you Daddy for your love and guidance. I know you are here with me…wearing the biggest and most beautiful wings and soaring through the clouds in absolute perfection. I know that there are angels among us.



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Thursday, October 21, 2004 9:28 AM CDT

It's been 5 months and I miss you more every month that goes by.




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Tuesday, October 12, 2004 9:53 AM CDT

I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I would today.

The days are easier. Nights are still tough sometimes and there is not ONE day that goes by that Dad doesn't pop into my head at some point.

I miss him dearly and I hate that I am starting to forget the sound of his voice. I have to really, really think about it to remember.




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Sunday, September 26, 2004 4:51 PM CDT

What a wonderful, emotional, inspirational and rewarding day!

Our walk for leukemia was near perfect. The weather was absolutely STUNNING and the walk at Kortright Conservation Area was beautiful. We walked through trees, up hills, through trails, over bridges and through fields. It was one of the most rewarding days of my life.

We walked as a team "Bob's Crew" and together, we raised $1,750.00!!!

My Mom, sister, BIL, nieces, MIL, DH and my boys all joined me for this special event.

We wrote our dedication to Dad on the "Dedication Wall" and we all wore the t-shirts given to us today with a photo of Dad pinned on our backs. Each picture said "I'm walking for my (Dad) (Grandpa) (Father-in-Law) (Husband).

It was truly, truly wonderful. I met Ryan Malcolm (Canadian Idol) and got the chance to say hello again to my Dad's doctor, Dr. Minden.

I can't say enough about how great this day was.

Dad would be so proud......



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Tuesday, September 14, 2004 9:26 AM CDT

On Sunday September 26, 2004 my family and I will be participating in a very special event called Gift of Life 5km Walk for Leukemia and we will be walking in my Dad's honour.

I will be walking a five-kilometer trail in the Kortright Centre located at 9550 Pine Valley Drive, Woodbridge. I hope to be able to increase awareness regarding the bone marrow registry, increase the databank of bone marrow donors and increase funds raised to support Princess Margaret Hospital and their efforts to find other ways of bone marrow transplants.

Leukemia is a form of cancer that affects the bone marrow. Bone marrow, found inside the bones, is responsible for producing blood cells. Leukemia cells crowd out the normal cells of the bone marrow preventing the production of normal blood cells. Leukemia rates in Canada are among the highest in the world. An estimated 3,900 new cases and 2,200 deaths from leukemia will occur in Canada in 2004. However, there is hope. Over the past 15 years there have been major advances in our understanding of how cancers originate, grow and spread along with improvements in treatment for leukemia.

My goal is to raise as much money as possible. So here's where I turn to you for help. I am asking you to consider making a donation to help support my efforts. Every gift, no matter how small, will help bring us closer to a cure.

Please click on https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/StartUp.aspx?SID=242367 to access a donation form and designate the amount that is right for you.

I know you think that this is as important as I do, and that is why I hope you will support me in my fundraising efforts.

Thank you in advance for your amazing generosity!


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Monday, August 30, 2004 7:57 AM CDT

Angel
By Sarah McLachlan



Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here




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Thursday, August 26, 2004 7:47 AM CDT

Daddy's Little Girl
by Punkin

If I had my life to do over,
I'd have chosen you to be my dad
once more.
Even if it meant losing you again,
It's worth all the tears in the
world.
You were my sunshine when skies
were gray.
I loved you and honored you;
You took all my tears away.
I was happy to be with you,
Proud to be your little girl.
Sometimes we would argue,
But to me you meant the world.
Your love was always pure;
You treated me as your own.
Your time seemed all too short and
I feel so alone.
What can I take from this?
My heart is completely crushed.
But nothing loved is ever lost -
And you are loved so much.



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Monday, August 16, 2004 10:00 AM CDT

"In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our brother, Bob, and commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless him and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious unto him and give him peace. Amen."

And so, Dad's remains are in their eternal resting place as of 9:00 this morning.

I now have closure and a place to visit Dad when I need to.

I love you Daddy...


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Friday, August 13, 2004 7:15 AM CDT

As We Leave the World

There's a road we must walk,
That is traveled by all.
But we won't be alone,
When God walks us home.

Every end will seem sad,
But in life it will come.
And on the day we die,
Our life will be done.

Chorus:
The day one cycle ends,
Another one begins.
When one person dies,
Another comes in.
As we leave the world,
Surrounded by friends.
While they are crying,
Some baby has a grin.

While we are crying,
For loved ones we lose.
Someone else wonders,
What colors to choose.

Ever since time began,
We know how it's done.
When one life is over,
Another one comes.

Chorus:
The day one cycle ends,
Another one begins.
When one person dies,
Another comes in.
As we leave the world,
Surrounded by friends.
While they are crying,
Some baby has a grin.

Copyright 2001 By: Glenn Smith
(All rights reserved)


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Thursday, August 12, 2004 8:00 AM CDT

Can't Cry Hard Enough
By Williams Brothers



I'm Gonna live my life
Like every day's the last
Without a simple goodbye
It all goes by so fast.

And now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough
No I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now.

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite,
There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why

I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now.

There it goes up in the sky
There it goes beyond the clouds
For no reason why

I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now.




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Wednesday, August 11, 2004 10:47 AM CDT

Fly
By Celine Dion

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless Journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace all one word
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet.

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly, where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light.




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Monday, August 9, 2004 9:40 PM CDT

Boy Oneder had his motorcycle lesson yesterday and the sun shone brilliantly the WHOLE time. I like to think that Dad had something to do with that. :o)

Mom came with us and had a few tears. She knows, as does everyone else, how proud Dad would have been. Boy Oneder is truly a "chip off the old block" and is JUST like my Dad in soooo many ways, especially when it comes to motorcycles.

Times like these are difficult, yet, they help to keep Dad's memory alive.

When we got home, there was a TORRENTIAL rain storm. It literally came out of nowhere. It made me think of this song...how appropriate!


Holes in the Floor of Heaven by Steve Wariner

One day shy of eight years old when Grandma passed away I was a broken hearted little boy blowin out that birthday cake How I cried when the sky let go with a cold and lonesome rain Moma smiled said "don't be sad child Grandma's watching you today" Cause there's holes in the floor of heaven And her tears are pouring down That's how you know she's watching wishing she could be here now And sometimes if you¹re lonely just remember she can see There's holes in the floor of heaven and she's watching over you and me.

Seasons come and seasons go Nothing stays the same I grew up, fell in love, met a girl who took my name Year by year we made a life in this sleepy little town I thought we'd grow old together Lord, I sure do miss her now But there's holes in the floor of heaven And her tears are pouring down That's how I know she's watching, wishing she could be here now And sometimes when I'm lonely I remember she can see There's holes in the floor of heaven and she's watching over you and me.

Well my little girl is twenty three, I walk her down the aisle It's a shame her mom can't be here now to see her lovely smile They throw the rice and I catch her eye as the rain starts coming down She takes my hand, says "Daddy don't be sad, cause I know moma's watchin now" And there's holes in the floor of heaven and her tears are pouring down That's how you know she's watching wishing she could be here now And sometimes when I'm lonely I remember she can see Yes there's holes in the floor of heaven and she's watching over you and me.


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Tuesday, August 3, 2004 7:20 AM CDT

This weekend was kind of tough.

We went through all of Dad's clothes. Hubster took some and BIL will take some. His friend, Ian will also take some.

I found myself burying my face in his shirts, smelling Dad's cologne and wishing he was still here.

We also found a t-shirt that the boys made for Dad for Father's Day. It said "Hands on Grandpa" and had the boys' handprints on it. Mom's going to keep it.

At least that tough task is done.


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Monday, July 19, 2004 3:12 PM CDT

Tomorrow is two months since he left us.

It is starting to seem like an eternity.

I miss him dearly.


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Tuesday, July 13, 2004 12:40 AM CDT

Oh Dad. I miss you so much today. I have an emptiness in my chest that aches. I am so lost without you. I thought it would be easier by now, but it's not....

I love you so much.


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Friday, July 2, 2004 9:04 AM CDT

Mom scattered Dad's ashes with his father in England. She comes home on Sunday and will bury the remainder of his ashes in a cemetery in Brampton, where she lives.

It still doesn't feel real. I wonder if it ever will...


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Monday, June 28, 2004 7:41 AM CDT

Today is Boy Oneder's 8th birthday. His first birthday without Grandpa. I think I am more affected by this than he is.

I miss him so very much.


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Saturday, June 19, 2004 8:30 PM CDT

Tonight, the eve of the one month anniversary of Dad's death is a hard night. Tomorrow is also Father's Day...the first Father's Day since my father died. It's such a strange feeling to have a Father's Day and no father. An awful, hurting feeling.

I wrote a poem tonight, which I am going to read at the church service at Mom's church tomorrow. In writing the poem, I prayed with all my heart that someone, even ONE person, will benefit from it in some way. Maybe someone who has a strained or difficult relationship with their Dad, or someone who has never said to their father the three words we all want to hear, "I love you". If you are one of those people, please, PLEASE heal your relationship...take the first step and swallow your pride. Tell your Dad that you love him and need him. It will be too late when he's gone. My Dad and I had the most wonderful, close relationship you could even imagine and I am so eternally grateful for that. The fact that there were no loose ends, no words unspoken, gives me such strength during this hard time. I KNOW how much my Daddy loved me and how proud he was of me. More importantly, he knew how much I loved him and how proud I was of him. That makes these hard days bearable. Please take that leap of faith and mend your relationship with your Dad. You never know when tomorrow won't come for one of you and the guilt and regret will eat you up inside.

Here is my poem:

A Father’s Day Poem - June 20, 2004

Wisdom and experience,
Love and friendship too,
Advice and understanding,
These are things Dads give to you.

Always there to lend a hand
Whenever it’s required
Even when he’s worked all day
And is feeling really tired.

The love between a father and
His children is unique.
A love you know is always there
You needn’t even speak.

A strong hand when we disobey
A hug when we are down.
He knows exactly what to say
To get a smile from a frown.

Cherish what your father gives
Today and every day.
Tell him that you love him
Don’t let time slip away.

I thank God each and every day
For giving me my Dad
Because of him, I’m who I am
Many blessings I have had.

Now Jesus took Dad home again
One month ago today
I know that he’ll watch over me
And never go away.

An angel up in Heaven
Is taking care of me
He’ll guide me every single day
And protect my family.

To all the Dads who love their kids
I have something to say.
You deserve a great big hug
And a Happy Father’s Day!!

~ Dawn ~

To all of you who have Daddies on this earth and have the kind of relationship I had with my Daddy, enjoy your day with him tomorrow.

To all of you whose Daddies have gone to Heaven, I pray with and for you tomorrow.

To all of you who have Daddies on this earth who have yet to heal their relationships, I pray for your strength, courage and perseverance. May God bless you with the will and bravery to take that step.

Love,
Dawn


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Tuesday, June 8, 2004 7:12 AM CDT

The days are a little easier, but nights are tough. Dad is the first person I think about in the morning and the last person I think about at night.

I am working on a memorial page for him. It is a work in progress right now, but I will post the link here soon.



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Sunday, May 30, 2004 8:30 AM CDT

Well, here we are just over a week after Dad's death. Things are a little easier (I don't cry EVERY day now). I miss him so much though.




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Sunday, May 23, 2004 6:21 PM CDT

Each day seems to get a little easier...but there are times when it hits me like a ton of bricks. I went to Chapters today to buy a gel pen and heard a little girl say "Look Daddy! Do you want that for Father's Day?" I lost it and had to leave the store.

I am dreading, yet looking forward to putting the funeral home and funeral behind me.

The next two days are gonna be TOUGH!


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Friday, May 21, 2004 9:53 PM CDT

Today was a tough day. We finalized the funeral arrangements, bought our flower arrangements and went through photos for the funeral home.

I have moments when I ball my eyes out and moments where I am strong.

Mom is doing very well. Again, she has her moments, but we all know that Dad is at peace.

The weekend is going to DRAG, knowing that Monday and Tuesday are going to be the worst days.

Love to everyone....

Dawn


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Thursday, May 20, 2004 2:39 PM CDT

Daddy fell into Jesus' arms at 2:45 this afternoon. His passing was very peaceful after such a hard struggle over the past two days. My Mom and sister, my Mom's best friend and I were there, holding his hand every step of the way.

I am so so so sad, but also so relieved that he is no longer in pain.

Thank you all again for being here for me through this horrible ordeal. I truly don't know what I would have done without you.

Love and hugs,
Dawn



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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 6:35 AM CDT

It looks like today might be the day that Dad finally leaves the suffering behind.

We had a terrible night last night. My Mom and I didn't sleep a wink. Dad was in tremendous pain ALL night and morphine every 1/2 hour didn't even TOUCH the pain. He is hemorraging in his mouth and his tummy is so distended, I am SURE he's bleeding internally.

Mom and Joanne just went to the hospital with the ambulance to get the pain under control. I think he will die today. Please pray that he will. He'd endured more than anyone should ever have too. It's time for him to rest.

I'll try to update later. Please keep us in your prayers...especially Dad.



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Monday, May 17, 2004 9:16 AM CDT

Confusion is setting in. Dad is sometimes very confused and he is very difficult to understand. He slurs so badly now.

He is battered and torn and very, very tired.

I wish God would just take him and make the suffering stop.




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Thursday, May 13, 2004 9:22 PM CDT

The roller coaster continues....

I went to visit Mom and Dad today. At 1:00, Mom and I made the arrangements for Dad's funeral. It was the worst feeling in the world, but I am glad that it has been dealt with. After the appointment, I went to the grocery store for Mom and picked up a few things. I saw the most beautiful flower arrangement and couldn't resist buying it for them. Fresh flowers always make you feel better and this arragement was HUGE and absolutely beautiful. They LOVED it.

I stayed for dinner and Dad ate well. He seems to have stabilized for the moment. The morphine has taken away the pain, but he still looks pretty sick.

We have decided, as a family, that Joanne and I will share the responsibility for sleeping over with Mom and Dad. Mom says she is OK during the day, but is really scared at night. Funny....how come everything seems so much worse at night? I feel the same way....days are a piece of cake, but dark nights last forever when you're scaed. They insisted that they were OK for tonight. So, I will sleep over tomorrow night and we'll go from there. Once day at a time.....

I want to send my love to all of my friends and family. Especially those from England and the TPP Spring/Summer 1999 Messageboard, who are following every step of this journey with me...I love you.



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Wednesday, May 12, 2004 7:57 PM CDT

I just rushed home on an emergency flight home from England. Mom called on Tuesday morning to say that Dad was in terrible pain all of a sudden. He was on morphine and the dose had to be continutally increased as he was getting no relief at all.

I arrived home at 3:30 today and went to see him right away. It won't be long. He is deathly ill. His face is swollen so bad from the steroids, he has a lump in his throat that we are assuming is a tumor (he doesn't know about it), his platelets must be very low because his skin is all covered in little blood blister bruises, he is only breathing 9-10 times per minute (normal is 16-18) and his fingers are all blue.

My sister is sleeping at their house tonight and I will be there tomorrow morning. I had to see my boys tonight.

And so, I think the end is near. A blessing, yet the most frightening thing I've ever faced.

May God be with us through this nightmare....


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Friday, May 7, 2004 10:16 AM CDT

I'm leaving for England at 4:00 today. I'm scared to death of flying, but am looking forward to seeing my grandparents. Grampy's funeral is Monday and that will be a hard day, but I am going to try to make the most of the time I have in England.

Dad is doing OK. He is quite swollen from the steroids he is taking, but otherwise feels the same. He fell down in Wal-Mart yesterday due to weakness and cut his hand. Poor thing. Mom says from now on, he will HAVE to be in a wheelchair when they go out.

Mom made a beautiful wreath for Grampy's coffin. I am taking it with me.

I will be checking in during the week, but probably won't update here unless something major happens.




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Monday, May 3, 2004 7:03 PM CDT

I just wanted to give you an example of what a wonderful man my Daddy is.

He is paying for my sister and I both to fly to England. He felt that it was important for us to fly together (Joanne was going to use her air miles points on a stop over flight with Air Canada, which would have been free for her, but $900.00 for me - I am flying with My Travel Airlines because it was MUCH cheaper ($383.00 return). So, this afternoon, my sister called to tell me she was booking to come on my flight with me and that Dad was footing the bill for both of us. This is a man who hasn't worked in over a year due to his sickness.

Once again, my Daddy is a hero. On days like today, I truly do not feel worthy of being his daughter. He is everything to me.

Thank you Daddy.



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Sunday, May 2, 2004 11:07 AM CDT

We got some devastating news this morning. My Dad's dad...my Grampy, died of a massive heart attack today. He was 86.

He had just been here to visit Dad a month ago. This is such a shock. As old as he was, you just never think it will happen.

My sister and I are probably flying to England tomorrow night for the funeral.

I am in complete shock and don't even know what else to write....


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Friday, April 30, 2004 2:54 PM CDT

Everything seems to be stable at this point.

Dad is feeling OK. He has his moments, but for the most part, feels OK.

Nothing really to update....


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Tuesday, April 27, 2004 8:47 AM CDT

Dad is feeling pretty good these last couple of days.

He has been going out for a walk (wheel) with Mom and trying to enjoy life as much as he can.

I am going over for dinner tonight...Mom's making one of my favourite meals (fish and parsley sauce) YUMMY!




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Thursday, April 22, 2004 7:12 PM CDT

I visited with Mom and Dad for dinner tonight. Dad looks more frail. I think he's losing weight and he is so pale.

He ate well, so I guess that's a good sign. We had KFC...LOL very nutritious!

I always love my visits when it's just me and my parents. We have such a comfortable relationship. Silence is never uncomfortable and our conversations are always so relaxed. I told my Daddy tonight that he is so brave. He never complains or bitches about anything and when I told him that, he said "Well, what can I do? What's the point of complaining? It won't change anything." THIS, my friends, is my Dad. A man who is staring in the face of death as brave as a soldier. No fear, no regrets. If only I was as ready for his death as he is. :o(



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Thursday, April 22, 2004 8:09 AM CDT

Dad had a really bad night last night with pain...bone pain. Mom called palliative care at Princess Margaret and they advised her if it got worse, to take him to the ER.

The doctor has now prescribed morphine for pain. He is to take decadron to help with the pain as well.

More later....

4:10 pm : I am heading over to my parents' place after work. Dad hasn't gotten out of bed today. Mom said he is very pale. His blood counts MUST be dropping by now and I guess that makes him feel worse.

I'll update later this evening.



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Tuesday, April 20, 2004 8:08 PM CDT

Dad met with his doctor today.

All medication to slow down the cancer have been stopped.

He will continue with insulin and anti-depressants. When the time comes, he will take pain medication.

He no longer wants to prolong his death. His mind and heart have accepted his fate and now, his body will have to catch up.

As hard as it is, I totally respect and understand this decision. He has lived a very difficult existence for 4.5 years. He's tired. He's had enough.

I don't know if this will change his timeframe, but we will continue to take things one day at a time...

The support from my online friends has been unbelievable. My board at The Parent Perspective has been an unending source of comfort and support for me. I have received cards from all over the place and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, which came at the perfect time. Everyone asks me ALL the time how Dad is, how I am, how Mom is, how my sister is....you are all AMAZING. I could not have gotten this far without you. I want to mention two in particular...Tracy (land0016) has heard me vent, cry and bitch almost every day and night online. She has called me just to listen and always says the right things. She sent a card to my Dad and it meant the world to him. Kate (milliondollarfamily) always makes me smile, even when I want to cry. She phones me and listens and prays hard for us. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart. I can't express my gratitude.

If you are reading this, thank you for following Dad's journey with me. Thank you for checking in each day to see how he's doing. Thank you for signing the guest book and for sending me your thoughts and prayers. You are wonderful.

And so, the roller coaster ride continues.....I hope you'll stay with me through it all....



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Monday, April 19, 2004 8:21 AM CDT

Dad was able to come to the house for Boy Oneder's First Communion party last night. He stayed for two hours and really enjoyed himself...ate like a PIG! LOL

I am absolutely thrilled that he made the effort to be there for Boy Oneder. We got some really nice photos of him and I will post them once they are developed.

This morning is not so good. I just got off the phone with Mom and she said Dad woke up with a headache and is not feeling well enough to go to the hospital to visit with his doctor today.

Ahhh....the roller coaster continues.


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Saturday, April 17, 2004 10:03 AM CDT

Not much to update - we went for a visit last night after dinner and he was very tired. We visited for half an hour and then he went to bed.

Tomorrow is Boy Oneder's big day...First Communion and Dad WILL be there. I am thrilled!

That's all for now...



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Wednesday, April 14, 2004 7:48 PM CDT

Dad is a different man today! I don't know if the effects of the radiation are wearing off or if he's had a change of attitude or what, but he is WONDERFUL today!

He is not as tired and has been very calm and nice with my Mom!

A good day again on the roller coaster!


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Wednesday, April 14, 2004 9:51 AM CDT

Dad is back home today. He left the hospital last night.

After speaking with the doctors, he has decided not to have anymore Lumbar Punches. He was told that he will not get any better by having them and that they were only prolonging the inevitable. Dad has accepted his fate and is ready to face his death, but his body is not ready yet.

I feel good about his decision. I think it's best.




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Monday, April 12, 2004 7:04 AM CDT

Dad wanted to be admitted to hospital on Saturday. He is at Peel Memorial Hospital, in the Palliative Care Unit.

He strongly feels that he will die within a few days. He says he is "going downhill fast" and no one understands it. He thinks we are all in denial and that we think he is going to get better.

His depression is very deep. He is seeing the doctor today...funny how things come around full circle...the doctor who is in charge of him at Peel Memorial is the same doctor who originally diagnosed him with leukemia, Dr. Reingold. Mom and I are hoping that the doctor will prescribe some anti-depressants for him.

He LOOKS so good, but feels so bad. He is exhausted ALL the time and does nothing but stare at the walls.

I am now praying that he will survive for Boy Oneder's First Communion on Sunday, but hoping it's not long after that. I feel selfish, but I don't want Boy Oneder to remember his Communion as the same time Grandpa died. I don't think Dad will make it out of the hospital to the Communion...he's just too weak.

We took the boys to visit him last night and he said two words to them. He doesn't even get joy from his grandsons anymore...



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Friday, April 9, 2004 10:02 AM CDT

Not really much to update...Dad had another LP yesterday and goes back on Wednesday for his next treatment. He is very, very tired and it seems to get worse every day.

I wrote this poem the other day and thought I'd share it with you.....

You fought a valiant battle
We thought that you had won
But the cancer has returned
Your war is almost done.

The doctors tried their best you see
To make you well again
But cancer is an evil thing
That causes fear and pain.

Your journey's coming to an end
Your life on earth, near through
But please, don't ever forget Dad
How much we all love you.

Your life is being taken
We all know you're not old
Your days on earth are numbered
We accept the truth we're told.

I hope your trip to Heaven
Is as quick as it can be
Although I'll miss you dearly,
I will know that you are free.

I pray that Heaven does exist
And that you'll always be
Forever in Eternity
Waiting there for me.

Keep a place for me up there
With Jesus as your friend
So that when we meet again dear Dad
The bond we share won't end.

You are my Dad, my friend, my rock
I so look up to you
What will I do without you Dad
You are my world, it's true.

The memories come flooding back
How you've been there for me
You've made me everything I am
And what I'm yet to be.

The tears are falling down like rain
My heart is torn in two
Oh Daddy, please watch over me
In everything I do.

I will always remember you
And the life you gave to me
Your courage and your love for us
Make it effortless to see.

Peace and love be with you
Until your journey's through
Please remember Daddy
How much I do love you.

~ Dawn, April 4th, 2004


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Tuesday, April 6, 2004 8:14 PM CDT

Dad is feeling a little better today. I had a wonderful conversation with him this afternoon. We talked all about fear, death, Heaven and fate.

My Granny and Grampy left today with my Aunt and Uncle. The leaving was not as bad as I had expected. We were all crying, but not out of control.

My Daddy is my hero and I am so blessed to be his daughter.

I so hope that the radiation continues to keep him comfortable.

We are having Easter lunch at my house on Sunday, because that's what Dad requested. He promised me he WILL be at Boy Oneder's First Communion next weekend. He adores Boy Oneder and to hear "I will be there, come what may." means the world to me.

Days like today are good, good days.


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Thursday, April 1, 2004 7:16 AM CST

I didn't see Dad yesterday, but he had his second radiation treatment. He was very tired and went to bed at 9:00.

He is at the hospital now for his third treatment. Hubster drove them down to the hospital.

His parents and brother arrive tomorrow at 1:30.





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Wednesday, March 31, 2004 7:38 AM CST

Well, Dad started radiation therapy yesterday. The chemotherapy was not working on the blockages in the brain, so they made him a mask and he had his first session at 4:00 yesterday. He will have one treatment today through Saturday, for a total of 5 treatments. This will not cure him, but will buy him 2-3 months. That is just the cancer in the brain...they are going to put off treating the bone marrow for now, until Dad feels better.

I just spoke to Mom and she said Dad feels about the same as yesterday...no better, no worse. I guess that's a good thing.

Mom and I talked about what Dad wants for his funeral yesterday, while we hadd some time alone when he was having his mask made. It seems so weird to be planning a funeral when he still *looks* so healthy. I think it's best that we talk about this stuff now before we get into the hard times...we have level heads right now.




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Tuesday, March 30, 2004 7:25 AM CST

I had a really nice visit with my parents last night. Just the three of us. We had a nice dinner and watched Judge Judy, Seinfeld (Dad's favourite show) and Everybody Loves Raymond.

Dad is very tired and is having a lot of trouble walking due to his dizziness, but his spirits are up and he looks good. He ate a huge dinner and laughed alot. We talked a little about old times and just had a really good evening.

He is at the hospital this morning, having a lumbar punch (chemo in the spinal fluid) and having his blood counts checked. I will be picking them up from the hospital when they are ready.



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Monday, March 29, 2004 9:27 AM CST

After a wonderful evening at my sister's house, I feel much better about this whole situtation.

Dad is so strong and has accepted his fate so gracefully. With him being so strong, it's not hard for us to be strong too.

Boy Oneder is still reeling from the news and is having a hard time.

Dad is very, very tired. Getting dressed in the morning is a chore and wipes him out completely.

I received a bouquet of flowers from my dear friends at The Parent Perspective and Parentsplace. I don't know what I'd do without them. They are such a source of strength for me.




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Saturday, March 27, 2004 10:20 AM CST

This is the beginning of the end. I know it sounds morbid, but it's true.

On February 16th, 2000, my Dad, Robert Albert John, was diagnosed with Acute Lymphatic Leukemia. He was 76% compromised, meaning that 78% of his bone marrow was leukemic. If he had gone one more month, he would have been dead. He began aggressive chemotherapy right away and would endure almost 9 months of having chemotherapy to bring his blood counts way way down and then waiting in between treatments for his blood counts to come back up, onlt to have them zapped back down again. He had several infections, pneumonia, fevers, and the like. He was a very, very sick man. Remission came fairly quickly, in April, and there was hope.

Dad's parents, brother and sister and my sister and I had our blood checked to see if we would be a match, should a bone marrow transplant be necessary...no one matched. So, we prayed for a long remission.

There was lots of damage from the chemotherapy. Dad lost hearing in one ear, was extremely dizzy and slurred his speech. These were side effects that would be permanent. His fingers and toes are numb and walking is a real chore.

We had a wonderful three years with Dad, with the odd scare here and there, but things were good.

In January, 2003, we got the news that Dad's leukemia was back. He was given three choices....do nothing and live 1-2 months; do major chemotherapy and live *maybe* 2-5 years; do mild chemotherapy and live *maybe* 1-2 years. He chose to have mild chemotherapy.

On March 24th, 2004, just three days ago, we were told that Dad's leukemia was back. This time however, there is no cure. The leukemia is not only back in his bone marrow, but is also in his spinal fluid and surrounds the brain. We were told yesterday that his brain has "blockages" which the doctor feels can be cleared with chemotherapy and that radiation or a shunt will not be required.

Dad wants to die at home. The palliative care unit is going to do everything in their power to make that happen.

As a family, with Dad right there with us, we decided that for as long as he is here, we will spend as much time together as possible. He is the bravest man I know and has accepted his fate with such courage. I am so proud to be his daughter. He is my hero.



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Friday, March 26, 2004 9:24 AM CST

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1 comment:

Limey Girl said...

Sending you hugs and loads of love sweetie xoxo

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