Monday, 19 January 2009

Joanne...

I would like more sisters, that the taking out of one, might not leave such stillness. ~Emily Dickinson

What's the good of news if you haven't a sister to share it? ~Jenny DeVries

How do people make it through life without a sister? ~Sara Corpening

Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow. ~Benjamin Disraeli

Between sisters, often, the child's cry never dies down. "Never leave me," it says; "do not abandon me." ~Louise Bernikow

Sigh.

I miss her. Deeply. More deeply now than three years ago when she died.

As I get older, I realize just how important the relationship that I had with Joanne really was. I hear my friends making plans with their sisters, I see older ladies who are clearly sisters, walking arm in arm in the mall. I will never have that closeness again.

My friends are wonderful, but my sister was my sister. We fought like cat and dog most of our lives, but the knowledge that she was there is so much more powerful now that she is gone. Even now, as the third anniversary of her death approaches, I catch myself thinking, “I have to tell Joanne about this” and before the thought is even complete, I realize that I can’t tell her. Oh sure, I comfort myself by saying that she sees and hears everything now that she is in Heaven, but some days, that’s not good enough. Some days, dammit, I just want her back. I want to share my achievements and goals. I want to vent on her. I want her to give me advice. I want her to make me laugh again.

The hole is deep, just like the hole that my Dad left. Some days, it just seems to get deeper with time instead of slowly closing a little. I remember feeling this way about Dad…I think it may have even been his third anniversary that hit me so hard. I remember missing him so much that my chest ached. I feel that way about Joanne today. I miss her in the depths of my soul today. The physical ache is truly painful. I can’t even describe it.

I feel her around me some days and that comforts me, but boy I wish I could hug her one more time. I wish I could thank her for the impact she made on me and my family. I wish we could grow old together and knit sweaters for our grandchildren. I wish I could tell her I love her.

If you are blessed with a sister, call her today. Tell her you love her. Tomorrow may never come and you will wish you could tell her just one more time.

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2 comments:

goodmum said...

"“I have to tell Joanne about this”"

I still do this too, only it's my mom. I'm sorry you're hurting. Me, too. The anniversary of my mom's death is quickly approaching, too. They say it gets easier...I'm still waiting for this.

Amy said...

Awww, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I lost my mom when I was 11, but it's nothing like losing someone after you've grown up together. I can't imagine losing my sister and I think I will send her a quick I love you even though we are not all that close. I'm sending hugs and prayers your way hon. xoxo

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