Sunday, 29 July 2007

Holy Crap

Literally.

What a LAUGH I had today. My Mom took Boy Oneder, Middleman and the girls to the circus, so Hubster and I took advantage of the time with just Threepeat and went to Chapters. Threepeat slept for the first half hour or so and then woke up quietly. He started to fuss a little so I picked him up and pushed his empty stroller. I found Hubster and he offered to take Threepeat from me. Thank GOD he did…keep reading…I turned to look at a nearby book and Hubster did the same.

About 1 minute after I handed him off, Hubster looks at me with a disgusted look on his face. “Eww…he crapped and he leaked a little…take him.” Well, I walk over to him (about 15 feet away) and by the time I get there, Threepeat’s breastfed baby poop is literally dripping down Hubster’s arm and onto the floor (thank God it was not on the carpet, but on the tile). If you have ever changed a breastfed baby’s diaper, you will know that it is extremely runny. My eyes pop out of my head as I try to locate kleenex in the stroller. I grab the 20 or so tissues that I had and started mopping Hubster’s arm, just as Threepeat lets another explosion rip through his diaper. The mess is now EVERYWHERE. Hubster’s shirt, hands and arms are just covered. Threepeat is smiling and enjoying every second and I am mopping as fast as I can.

By the grace of God, Hubster’s clean bathing suit was in the basket of the stroller as we were planning on swimming yesterday, but didn’t. I laid the poor, innocent bathing suit in the car seat in the stroller and ever-so-carefully placed the crap-covered child onto the bathing suit. I advised Hubster to go to the men’s washroom and wash up…STAT, while I took Threepeat out to change him. I had three books that I really wanted to buy, so I grabbed the nearest saleswoman and asked her to please hold my books, that my child was covered in crap…yes, I literally said that to her. Her eyes bulged out and she said she would guard my books for me.

I take Threepeat to the van. I lay him gently on the change pad in the middle seat. Now, I have never seen so much runny, yellow crap in all my days. It was EVERYWHERE. I had to manouver him out of the completely drenched romper…THAT was fun. It was up his back, on his sleeves, on the front, EVERYWHERE. I got him naked and then used half of the box of wipes to literally bathe him in the van. It was awful. At least breastmilk poo smells sweet…if he was formula fed, I think I would have puked.

I finally got him all cleaned up and in a new romper and headed back into Chapters. It took me forever to find Hubster, but when I did, there he was, bless his heart, in a shirt covered in poo stains that were wet from being cleaned in the bathroom. He was reading a magazine as if nothing had happened. Now THAT’S a Dad!

Tomorrow is scrub the crap stains out of the carseat day. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Pin It

Saturday, 28 July 2007

Train Wreck

She’s like a train wreck….I just can’t look away.

So there’s this woman. She is a horrible person. She messed up alot of people, myself included, a while ago. I have never met her in real life, just on the net, but she is NASTY.

But I can’t stay away from her. She writes SO well. Her blog is unbelievable…just like a train wreck…I can’t look away! LOL!

So, I hope she continues to write on her blog…she SUCKS as a person, but she is a phenomenal writer!!! Pin It

Thursday, 26 July 2007

The "L" Word

Yeah whatever…not THAT L word.

I’m talking about life. Since Threepeat arrived, I have really faced the reality of mortality. I remember going through the same thing with Boy Oneder AND with Middleman.

Suddenly, I realize how important I am to a human being. My milk sustains him. If anything happened to me, he would have to start on formula. That’s not SUCH a bad thing, but it runs through my mind.

I think about my nieces and how they had to go on without their mom. I wonder if my boys would fare as well. I think we all like to think of ourselves as irreplacable, and that if anything ever happened to us, everyone else would be in a chaotic mess. They could not function without our presence. But they do. We may not be replaceable, but our void can be filled. That makes me sad. I don’t want my kids to be devastated when I die, don’t get me wrong. I know I will be missed, but in time, my presence won’t be missed as much. It won’t be as hard every day for my family and friends to face life. Each day, people will think of me less and less, until I am only discussed on specific occasions, like my birthday or the date of my death. This is life. The never ending circle of life.

Having a baby somehow puts these thoughts into my head. I am mortal again. A tiny little human being needs me to feed and nurture him. Who will do it if I die? There are so many people who could raise him, but none of them would be me. None of them could POSSIBLY do as good a job as I would, right?

Gosh…I hope I don’t die yet……. Pin It

Tuesday, 17 July 2007

Overwhelmed

The last few days have been tough. I have no real explanation as to why, but suffice it to say that by this time every night, I am on the verge of tears.

My 11 year old, Boy Oneder, suddenly has attitude issues. He is a pre-teen, I know, but he has always been SO respectful, SO good, SO perfect. Now, not so much. He has a mouth and he knows how to use it to be hurtful and nasty to everyone who crosses his path. Today was a little better, probably because he was punished last night. I guess banishing him to his room worked.

My 8 year old, Middleman, wet the bed the night before last. He has kind of withdrawn from everything and plays with his PSP and Gamecube all the time. I had to put an end to the gaming situation yesterday as it was getting out of control. He wasn’t a happy camper. Today was a little better. I spent ALOT of time with him yesterday, so that probably helped.

My 3 month old, Threepeat, has been a little gassy and fussy the past few days. He eats more often and has been getting up in the night again for a feed. Probably a growth spurt.

By the end of the day, I am SO excited about coming on my computer and having my glass of wine. It is heavenly to have NO ONE bug me. No “MOM!”, no “Dawn!!”, no NOTHING.

Sigh…motherhood is wonderful, most of the time. Pin It

Down in the dumps

I think I may be suffering from a little delayed post partum depression.

I am so blue. I am exhausted all the time and I have no desire to do anything.

I have people who would JUMP at the chance to help me with the baby (mother in law) but I am SO protective of him. I have the “NO ONE can take care of him like I can” attitude. I want him with me 24/7, but that means that nothing else gets done and no one else (read as my other children and my husband) get any attention. And right now, I don’t care…about anything, except Threepeat. God forgive me.

My house is such a cluttered mess. My mother in law does most of the cleaning, so there is no excuse really. My room looks like a hurricane passed through it and don’t even MENTION Boy Oneder and Middleman's room. I keep saying, “Tomorrow, I will clean it up.” But tomorrow never comes. I have very good intentions for tomorrow though…seriously. I can’t live in this mess anymore. My bedroom is supposed to be a safe haven. A place of peace and tranquility. Instead, it is a chaotic mess, just like you see on “Clean Sweep”…seriously. Until I get the mess cleaned up, I will not feel better, so tomorrow is THE tomorrow. There…I typed it and therefore I HAVE to clean up. I don’t know what I will do with Threepeat though. I hope he will co-operate with my efforts.

I am just so overwhelmed by life at the moment. I am not “depressed”, I have been there, done that, but I am definitely glum. I think I may BECOME depressed if I don’t take action. Therefore, tomorrow is day one of decluttering.

Wish me luck…I’ll need it. Pin It

Friday, 13 July 2007

Threepeatitis...

Today is Friday the 13th. It is the first Friday the 13th that Hubster will be attending the festivities in Port Dover. Every Friday the 13th (other than winter) bikers from all over the place attend a huge party in Port Dover. My Dad used to go to every one before he got sick. It’s like a biker’s rite of passage.

So, today Hubster went. He took Boy Oneder. I was supposed to go with all three kids in the van, following Hubster, Kathy, Bruno, Frank and a couple other bikers, but I chickened out. It’s more than a two hour drive and I had visions of Threepeat FREAKING out for food halfway there and me having to pull over to nurse him. Everyone would get pissed because I was holding them up, I would have had to be bussed into the centre of town with the three kids, a stroller, etc. and I can’t IMAGINE finding Hubster in amongst about 10,000 other people. So I decided at the last minute not to go. Middleman couldn’t care less. In fact, he was thrilled not to have to go out…he LOVES staying home. Boy Oneder was disappointed and so Hubster decided to take him on the back of the bike. Of course, Boy Oneder was ecstatic. I will worry for the rest of the day, but he will have a blast. Maybe it would have been fine, but maybe it would have been hell.

And so, this is the first case of Threepeatitis. I am left out of an activity due to the existence of a newborn little boy. You know what? Ssshhhh…I am glad. I get to spend the day with two of the best little men on earth, doing stuff that all my adult friends have long left behind. Let them have their fun on the bikes…I’ll just stick to kid stuff. Pin It

Tuesday, 10 July 2007

Loss of confidence...

I thought I was “IT” this time. I was a pro at this whole motherhood thing. I have done it twice before and neither Boy Oneder, nor Middleman is any worse for wear. Having another baby was a piece of cake. And it has been…until this weekend.

I had that old familiar feeling…the “what if’s?” Threepeat had a mild case of eczema on his legs. It flared up pretty nastily on Saturday, but was confined to his legs. He spit up quite a bit, had a little diarreah, slept a whole lot and was out of sorts as well. So, that evening, my mind started wandering to the thoughts…”What if it gets worse? What if he gets asthma because he is more susceptible due to allergies in the family? What if his diarreah gets worse? What if all the spitting up is something sinister?”

Looking back on Saturday and Sunday now, I realize I was being ridiculous, but that is how my mind works when I get like that. I can’t control it. I obsess. I panic.

I am now disappointed in myself…I thought I was over the whole hypochondriac thing and I obviously am not. Days like Saturday are the days when I *HATE* being a mother. The worry consumes me. God forbid my children ever get really sick. I would be in the bed next to them…or better yet, in the psych ward!

Sigh…

Pro? Yeah right. I’m learning ALL over again. Pin It

Saturday, 7 July 2007

That place

I finally worked up the courage to do it…today, I had Hubster take me up to the place where Joanne was killed. We drove up with my Mom and the boys. It is such a lovely place…so serene…right at the top of Blue Mountain, amongst trees upon trees upon trees. The weather was perfect today and there was a slight breeze blowing through the massive trees.

There is a tiny stop sign for snowmobilers right where the trail meets the road…I can see how maybe she didn’t see it. It was really, really small. We walked back down the trail a little ways and about 100 feet before the road, there was a “Stop Sign Ahead” sign. The trail was only about 10 feet wide and I can’t tell you how tall those trees were…and they seemed to go for miles on either side.

The trail was gorgeous and I know that she would have loved it there…I can only imagine how quiet and peaceful it must be up there in the winter when everything is covered in snow. She took a photo moments before she was killed and it is so different in the winter. Everything was white in her photo. Today, all we saw was green. We were there for about 15 minutes and in that time, 3 cars went by. This place is way out in the middle of nowhere. There is a little wreath and a cross there at the site and there is a program from her funeral, laminated to protect it from the weather. Her photo, on the front page, right in the middle of the wreath. She was so lovely. Such a beautiful woman.

Mom and I put some flowers on either side of the wreath…Mom placed some gerbera daisies and I placed some mums. Joanne would like that…she loved flowers.

As we were leaving, Threepeat, in his carseat, suddenly looked up out his window at the sky. His eyes lit up and he dropped his soother from his mouth. He smiled a HUGE smile…at nothing. There was absolutely nothing in the sky, not even a cloud. Well, not that we could see anyway. He stared at that spot for a good minute. Hubster even stopped backing out so we could watch him. He smiled so hard several times and then looked away. I like to think she was there with us. Watching over us. Guiding us.

I love her even more after seeing that place. I am at peace, knowing that her death, at that moment and in that place, were meant to be. God called her Home that day. He had prepared her place and was ready for her arrival. I believe that with every ounce of my being. Pin It

Monday, 2 July 2007

Such an appropriate song

Although some of the lyrics don’t fit, this song REALLY makes me think of Joanne…

Artist/Band: Chesney Kenny
Song: Who You’d Be Today
Album: The Road and the Radio

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can’t believe you’re gone

Chorus:

It ain’t fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I’ve been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you’d be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky’s so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Chorus

Today, Today, Today
Today, Today, Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I’ll see you again someday

Someday, Someday Pin It
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