Wednesday, 27 September 2006

8 months tomorrow

Sometimes, it seems like yesterday. That searing pain in my chest when I heard the news is vivid, the hurt so real that it HAD to be just recently.

Sometimes, it seems like an eternity. Eight months since I heard her voice. Eight months since I lost my baby sister. My only sister.

It’s hardest because she was “just” my sister. My Mom’s loss is so much harder because she lost a daughter, but sometimes, my hurt gets forgotten. It’s not really acknowledged. I just get told to be strong for my mother. My mother is strong. She doesn’t need me to be strong for her anymore. Now, I need to grieve.

I need to grieve the loss that I haven’t yet accepted. I need people to be strong for me. I don’t want to be the strong one anymore. I want to let the guard down. I want to wallow in my own self pity and NOT have someone to tell me to be strong. Since she died, everyone has just expected me to carry on. Cry at the funeral and then turn it off. Be strong for her girls, be strong for Mark, be strong for my mother. And for the most part, I have turned it off. But it hurts. I am feeling that physical pain in my heart that I felt when Dad died. That yearning for her voice…her hug…her smell.

She was my sister. My ONLY sibling. My Mom still gets lots of support and even my friends only ask, “How’s your Mom doing? How are Mark and the girls?” They are all fine. They are all slowly moving on. But I’m still here, now grieving the loss that they have already moved past, because I was strong. I’m not strong anymore. I need people to be strong for me…I need to be sad and pathetic for a while. It’s about time…isn’t it?

So please don’t ask me to be strong anymore. Don’t ask me to “be there” for people. Don’t tell me that my Mom needs me or that the girls are counting on me. It’s too much pressure.

Everyone will get along fine without me…you wait and see…they already are. Come and ask me how *I* am doing once in a while. You see, this pillar of strength is crumbling…the foundation is gone. Mom, Mark and the girls are eight months ahead of me in their grieving. I am only beginning…I wonder who will be strong for me now that they are moving on. Pin It

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