Sunday, 16 October 2005

Is it too much to ask?

I’ve been thinking … seems that’s ALL I’ve been doing lately…and I wonder if maybe MY expectations of other people are too high.

Is it too much to ask to be loved for who I am in my heart and not what I look like?
Is it too much to ask to have others treat me as I treat them?
Is it too much to ask to be given compliments for my good qualities instead of always focusing on the negative?
Is it too much to ask for someone to just listen to me? Just open their heart and listen. No advice, no opinions, no judgements…just an ear.
Is it too much to ask to wake up one day and just be genuinely happy? Without having to think about it or work at it…just BE happy.

I think maybe my wishes ARE in fact too much to ask. I just want to be happy. I can’t even say that I want to be happy AGAIN, because I don’t know that I have ever truly been happy. I have to work at being happy every day. Every single day is a chore for me. Every single day is just another day. As far as I can remember, it’s always been this way, but even more so since I lost Dad. I’ve tried the pills, the therapists, the meditations…you name it. Sometimes it works for a little while, but before long, I’m back to my “normal” self.

I kind of feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Always sad and moping. Woe is me. But it is so hard to try to be happy. I just get sick of trying all the time…trying and failing. Life is such a struggle for me, mentally. I have so much to be thankful for, which adds guilt into the mix, but I just get tired of being sad. I feel sorry for those around me because most of the time, I must be such an awful person to be with. It’s a wonder I have any friends really.

For anyone who has never felt this way, you just won’t understand…*I* don’t even understand…maybe I never will.

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