Monday, 31 October 2005

Happy Halloween!

BOO!!!

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Sunday, 30 October 2005

One more sleep!!

I am so pumped about Halloween, it’s no longer funny. I have wished today away just so I can dress up in my costume tomorrow!!!

I am R-E-A-D-Y!!! Come on Halloween!! Get here already!!!!!!!!!

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Friday, 28 October 2005

Thinking about Dad alot tonight

I had a hot stone massage last night and Christine, my massage therapist told me to focus inward and relax. I thought it would be nice for me to “visit” Dad in Heaven. So I pictured him, standing at the top of a hill, in the sunshine, arms open wide, and me running as hard as I could to get to him…he spun me around and around. The warmth of the stones made his hug seem that much more real…then I felt the strongest urge to cry, so I cut that thought out of my mind and tried to focus on my childhood memories. Again, I pictured Dad, this time on a park bench, in his younger days, healthy and robust. Just enjoying the quiet. I sat beside him and we held hands…again, the warmth of the stones in my hands made the vision even more real, and again, I had to fight back tears. So, I resorted to thoughts of me, lying on a beach, alone, in the sun.

Although the tears were fighting to come out, I felt so close to him for a minute. Just for a flash, he was with me again. He held me and the love that he always showed me was abundantly clear. I truly felt it.

When I try really hard, I can hear his voice; I can feel his hand…his bald head; I can smell his cologne and I can see his eyes…vividly. I hear him call me “Baba” (his version of baby) and I hear him say “I’m alright…” I never, ever want to lose that ability. The ability to recall him so vividly. I want to make sure I “practice” remembering him, so it never goes away.

It’s funny how the feelings of deep sadness are further apart now, but the deepness of sadness and the pain it causes are as fresh as the moment he died and I think, more scathing. The hurt is not as often, but with each time I feel it, it gets worse. The physical pain cannot be described, nor measured. My chest feels like a fist is punching right through my body. The tears flow freely…and then, just as quickly as the pain began, it is over and I am going on with life…until the next time.

Gosh I miss him…

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My Halloween costume



Drucilla the Witch. I have my nails painted bright purple with black and sparkly zebra stripes…NICE!

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Thursday, 27 October 2005

Blech!

Boy Oneder has strep throat. The school called me at 1:30 to say that he was in the office with a sore throat. He woke me up at 6:00 this morning complaining that it hurt, but it was better at schooltime, so I sent him. Obviously a mistake. So he spent the afternoon on the couch, with a fever, not eating or drinking. Of course my mother-in-law goes into panic-mode because he won’t eat anything and we all know that not eating for one day will make you die of starvation (rolls eyes).

So, I’m on my way home and Hubster calls me to say that Boy Oneder is REALLY sick. So, since I have a nail appointment, I say “So take him to the walk-in clinic.” Hubster says he is busy, so I say I’ll take him when I get home.

Long story short, the walk-in doctor diagnoses strep throat and prescribes Zithromax. Boy Oneder is in bed now, hopefully to sleep ALL night with no Mommy-wake-ups…LOL.

I swear Boy Oneder is a strep-magnet. He gets it AT LEAST once a year. Middleman, knock on wood, seems to be more immune. Probably because I breastfed him for 18 months. Pin It

Wednesday, 26 October 2005

Good news, bad(ish) news

The bad news: I’ve gained 1/2 a pound, but I am due for my period, so that’s OK.

The good news: I’ve lost a total of 7.25 inches!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!

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The skinny

Tonight is weigh-in/measurement night at Herbal Magic. I’m hoping for good news, but I wonder if I am expecting too much too fast. I keep trying to keep myself realistic, but I am so excited about this whole “new me” thing.

I’ll post my stats later tonight…fingers crossed for “less” of me!!

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Tuesday, 25 October 2005

Getting ready for Halloween!

I am so excited! I have two costumes…one for United Way Dress Up day for Friday and one for Monday, Halloween.

I love Halloween ALMOST as much as Christmas!

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Choosing a scale

I weigh in at Herbal Magic on Wednesdays and get measured too. Problem is, I am dressed and it is late in the day, plus they use one of those old scales with the height measurement on it. So, I have decided to record my weight based on my home scale. I weigh first thing in the morning, naked and it is a digital scale.

According to my scale, I have lost 6 lbs. YAY ME!

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Monday, 24 October 2005

Weight Loss is GOOD!

In exactly one week, I have lost 4.5 lbs. Thank you Herbal Magic!!! I feel soooo good. I know it’s a small amount, but to me, it’s HUGE! I NEED to feel good about myself. I need every ounce of positivity I can get. This is a start.

At work today, we handed out “appreciation-grams”. I ordered one for everyone on my team, my boss and the other team leader. It felt so good to see everyone feel appreciated. I get more pleasure out of seeing others happy than I get from receiving.

Again, life is good. Wow…three days in a row. I think that’s a record!

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Sunday, 23 October 2005

My uterus hurts

No…I don’t have my period. No…I’m not pregnant, though I wish I was.

I have baby-itis. My friend, Julie came over today with her 6.5 month old son, Tyler. He has to be one of the most adorable babies I have ever laid eyes on. OK…maybe I’m a bit biased because I was Julie’s doula and was one of the first people to meet “Baby G”, but man oh man is he cute. He has the bluest eyes and the sweetest smile. I held him in my arms and my uterus started to hurt. I just love babies, and funnily enough, they seem to love me right back! I guess they can sense how much I love them.

I long for those baby-days…breastfeeding, bathing, gurgling, cooing, smiling and pulling hair. Diaper changing, sleepless nights, fresh baby smell and little teeny toes and fingers.

Sigh….gotta get my 6 and 9 year olds to bed. Maybe they’ll let me coo at them for a while…


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Saturday, 22 October 2005

Gray skies are gonna clear up! Put on a happy face!

I’ve lost 4 lbs and I met with my new therapist.

Mariella is wonderful. We connected right from the get-go. We talked about all my issues and she assured me that “we” will get through it all. I meet with her again next week.

Weight loss is wonderful. I have such high spirits and more energy because of it. I GUTTED my ensuite today and will finish my bedroom tomorrow.

Today, life is good.


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Tuesday, 18 October 2005

Today is a better day

I feel much better today. I think I had a change of mindset last night when I made that change I referred to.

I have an appointment with a therapist on Thursday. I think she will help me with all my issues.

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Monday, 17 October 2005

Life changes

I took the first step in changing my life for the better tonight. I won’t share what I did because I am afraid it will fail. I will share when I am confident that I have succeeded.

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Poetry

Nearly Unnoticed
by Reese

She is lonely
Even though you can’t tell
She is reaching out
For what, she doesn’t know
She will continue to sit in silence
And hope that someone may stumble across
Her and all of her emptiness
But they only hope that they do it in time
Otherwise she will have drifted too far
And she may let go
Of whatever grasp of the world she has
As she slowly fades out of the lives of everyone
Nearly unnoticed.

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Counting my blessings

Things I am grateful for, not necessarily in this order:

My health;
My husband;
My children;
My home;
My job;
My boss;
My employees;
My 34 years with my Dad;
My Mom;
My grandparents;
My mother-in-law;
My nieces;
My nephews;
My computer;
My dogs;
My friends.


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Sunday, 16 October 2005

Happier times

Just felt the need to post something happy….this was the happiest day of my life. The day my sweet Boy Oneder was born…June 28th, 1996.

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Is it too much to ask?

I’ve been thinking … seems that’s ALL I’ve been doing lately…and I wonder if maybe MY expectations of other people are too high.

Is it too much to ask to be loved for who I am in my heart and not what I look like?
Is it too much to ask to have others treat me as I treat them?
Is it too much to ask to be given compliments for my good qualities instead of always focusing on the negative?
Is it too much to ask for someone to just listen to me? Just open their heart and listen. No advice, no opinions, no judgements…just an ear.
Is it too much to ask to wake up one day and just be genuinely happy? Without having to think about it or work at it…just BE happy.

I think maybe my wishes ARE in fact too much to ask. I just want to be happy. I can’t even say that I want to be happy AGAIN, because I don’t know that I have ever truly been happy. I have to work at being happy every day. Every single day is a chore for me. Every single day is just another day. As far as I can remember, it’s always been this way, but even more so since I lost Dad. I’ve tried the pills, the therapists, the meditations…you name it. Sometimes it works for a little while, but before long, I’m back to my “normal” self.

I kind of feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Always sad and moping. Woe is me. But it is so hard to try to be happy. I just get sick of trying all the time…trying and failing. Life is such a struggle for me, mentally. I have so much to be thankful for, which adds guilt into the mix, but I just get tired of being sad. I feel sorry for those around me because most of the time, I must be such an awful person to be with. It’s a wonder I have any friends really.

For anyone who has never felt this way, you just won’t understand…*I* don’t even understand…maybe I never will.

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My foundation is crumbling...

Everything around me is falling apart at the seams. I am feeling lost and hurt. I have nowhere to turn. I feel completely and utterly alone.

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Saturday, 15 October 2005

Oh Dad...

Days have been so much easier lately with dealing with Dad’s death. After last night, I can’t stop thinking about him though. That physical pain in my chest is back. The ache of an unfillable hole in my heart. I see him in bed the night before he died…I was lying on the left hand side of the bed, on my side, watching him sleep. He was on the right side of the bed, on his side, holding my hand…for dear life. He’d wake every so often and smile that sweet smile. Every time he opened his eyes, I’d tell him I loved him…and through his pain, every time, he said “I love you too.” We knew. We both knew…the suffering was coming to an end.

I was talking to a friend at the charity dinner last night and we were discussing how when someone dies, we carry guilt. No matter how, where or when someone dies, someone inevitably feels guilt. My guilt lies in not bringing Dad back home to die. He wanted to be home and we couldn’t fulfill that wish. I held his cheeks while he lay on the stretcher in his bedroom, before the paramedics took him to the hospital…I looked into his eyes and promised him we’d bring him home again….we never did. He died at the hospital. As much as I realize that it was out of my control, I will carry that guilt with me until the day I meet him again.

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Fun for a good cause

Hubster and I attended the second annual “Life Over Lymphoma” gala last night, along with 748 other people. Life Over Lymphoma is a foundation which was created by a dear friend of Hubster’s, Philip Lavorgna. He was taken by Non-Hodgins’ Lymphoma two years ago…just before my Dad died. His wife, Joanne, has continued Philip’s dream to raise money and awareness about Lymphoma. Their website gives the details.

I am so proud to have know Phil. He was a wonderful human being. I am proud to be a part of the fundraising efforts of his wife. She presented a cheque to Dr. Minden of Princess Margaret Hospital for $30,000.00 last night. Funnily enough, Dr. Minden was my father’s doctor. I spent a few minutes with him last night and was shocked that he remembered me, my name and my Dad. He remembered how Dad loved motorcycles and we reminisced a little bit. It was awesome to speak to the man who played such an integral part in my Dad’s last 5 years.

Giving to charity is such an awesome feeling… Pin It

Thursday, 13 October 2005

I absolutely ADORE this photo of Middleman

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Wednesday, 12 October 2005

The toy room is *finally* clean

I spent the entire evening tonight cleaning the toy room. There was so much crap in there that the kids didn’t even attempt to play with anything. Their air hockey table was completely covered in books, papers, puzzles, cars and lego. The closet was full of Middleman's old clothes that no longer fit. The bed was coered in action figures. The videos and DVDs were EVERYWHERE! It was like an episode of Clean Sweep…BEFORE. Now, it’s like the AFTER shot. I love it! Now…how long will it last THIS time? LOL! Pin It

Thinking happy thoughts again

Things that taste good:

Roast beef, cooked medium rare;
Cheeseburgers with ketchup, mustard, mayo and lettuce;
Poutine from New York Fries;
Cheese pizza;
Hot popcorn with LOTS of butter;
COLD White Zinfendel;
Fish and parsely sauce;
English chocolate;
Fresh, crisp apples with my homemade dip;
Tim Horton’s Coffee with one cream, two sugar.

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Monday, 10 October 2005

Update to this morning's excitement

There WERE kittens under there. Two of them. They were “older” kittens, but kittens all the same. Mamma must have raised them under our deck. So weird. We never heard any signs of kitties or anything and the dogs just noticed them now. ???

They ran away so fast that I couldn’t catch them, but Hubster has boarded up the deck BIG TIME now, so hopefully, they won’t come back!

I hate cats. Pin It

Sunday, 9 October 2005

My song

I heard this song on the radio today and the lyrics just said exactly what I am feeling lately…

“Welcome To My Life” - Simple Plan

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels all right
You don’t know what it’s like

To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you’re bleeding
No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels all right
You don’t know what it’s like

To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I’m happy but I’m not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don’t know what it’s like, what it’s like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like (what it’s like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life


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Friday, 7 October 2005

Autumn air

The air has a certain “crispness” to it today. I think fall has finally arrived. It is a gray, damp, cold day today and although I love the fall, I find myself dreading the winter on its heels.

The leaves are all starting to change colour and it is a beautiful time of year. Time to snuggle under the blankets in bed to keep warm. No more sweating or humidity. No more smog. The days are getting ever shorter though. I’ll miss the evenings on the deck, light until 9:30.

On the bright side, it’s candle-burning season! I’ve broken out the cranberry-apple, pumpkin pie and maple syrup candles and my house smells AWESOME!

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Thursday, 6 October 2005

Lasagna for 32, courtesy of Mamma Dawn

Last night, I made 4 trays of lasagna. My team at work is so wonderful, I decided to treat them to homemade lasagne. Then I figured, I couldn’t treat just *my* team because the West team would feel left out. Sooooooooooo….last night, I spent the entire evening making homemade sauce and lasagna.

I am exhausted, but everyone LOVED it. Mostly, I’m glad I made them feel appreciated.

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Tuesday, 4 October 2005

Guilt

guilt ( P ) Pronunciation Key (glt)n.

The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense. See Synonyms at blame.
Law. Culpability for a crime or lesser breach of regulations that carries a legal penalty.
Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.
Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.
Guilty conduct; sin.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense.

An offense. Have I committed an offense? No. Therefore, I cannot be responsible for anything.

See Synonyms at blame.

This would be what I let people do. Blame me for things.

Law. Culpability for a crime or lesser breach of regulations that carries a legal penalty.

I haven’t committed a crime or lesser breach of regulations, so I can’t be culpable.

Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.

I am not remorseful nor aware of having done something wrong.

Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.

Self-reproach…I had to look this one up…self-re·proach (slfr-prch)n.
The act or an instance of charging oneself with a fault or mistake
Guilty conduct; sin.

Based on what some people say, I guess I have charged myself with a fault or mistake.

Guilty conduct; sin? Nope, not here.

So the question remains, why do I feel guilty? My analysis of the definition of the word “guilt” leaves me with the conclusion that I have nothing to be guilty about. So why do I accept guilt? What is it in my psyche that allows people to make me feel this way? So, this leads me to my next definition….

blame ( P ) Pronunciation Key (blm)tr.v. blamed, blam·ing, blames
To hold responsible.
To find fault with; censure.
To place responsibility for (something): blamed the crisis on poor planning. n.
The state of being responsible for a fault or error; culpability.
Censure; condemnation.

To hold responsible. Do people hold me responsible? Yep.

To find fault with; censure. Do people find fault with me? Censure…had to look that one up too:
cen·sure ( P ) Pronunciation Key (snshr)n.
An expression of strong disapproval or harsh criticism.
An official rebuke, as by a legislature of one of its members. Yep and Yep.

To place responsibility for (something): blamed the crisis on poor planning. Yep.

n.
The state of being responsible for a fault or error; culpability. Nope. I’m not in a state of being responsible.

Censure; condemnation. Have I been censured? Condemned? Damn straight!

And so, my questions have been answered and it is time to make a change. I will no longer accept guilt for things that I haven’t personally caused or done. I will not be bullied anymore. I will surround myself with positive, healthy relationships…family or not. I will live my life to the best of *MY* ability.

So there it is…in writing.

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Let's go to our happy place!

Seems this blog is all about bashing and anger. I thought I’d throw in some happy stuff:

Things that make me feel good:

My children (most of the time ;o) );
My husband (ditto);
My dogs;
Comfort Foods;
The smell of scented candles (almost any scent);
Shopping;
Surfing the net;
Massages;
Acceptance;
Honesty and Integrity;
Fairness;
Buttered popcorn at the movies;
Snuggling on a cold winter night;
Happy memories;
A tall glass of wine…

To be continued on another happy day!

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Saturday, 1 October 2005

Branding accomplished!

Well, I have another two tattoos tonight. They look great! Once the redness is gone, I will have Hubster take a picture of each and I will post them for the world to see.

Per yesterday’s post, my team DID IT!!! They closed over $159,000 in the past two days!!! Absolutely AWESOME. Every single person on the team contributed and I have to say that I love each and every one of them. They are beginning to feel like family and I am so eternally thankful for them. They make my days fun.

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