Saturday, 31 December 2005

My New Year's wish for all of you

Once I had a dream …

or maybe I read it and incorporated it.

Sometimes, memory of where fails me,

but I know it was good, really good.

There was a world,

and we all lived there, together.

There was peace among all faiths,

and all races; opportunity existed for all.

Everybody celebrated,

celebrated the joy of their uniqueness.

Sharing whatever they had with

those who had need, without obligation.

Together we shared

the planet that we were so blessed with.

The environment was nurtured like a baby,

protected from greedy users and abusers.

There was love there,

love for every living thing.

Understanding how creation of all life

directly relates to us on a personal level.

Joy was daily ritual,

joy for discovery of something new.

Not a form of obedience or requirement,

but a beautiful understanding of balance.

War did not exist,

there was no need for a defense budget.

We were all a part of the big picture;

all people had a voice, we were important.

This was a world of honor,

a world of Jesus and Mohammad,

a world of LaoTsu and Buddha,

where all paths have honor and validity.

Education was second nature,

learning became a way of life for all people.

Religion was not a means of conversion,

but a method of discovering ones own path.

May the new year bring you:

success in your business,

sunshine in your love life,

health in your physicality.

May your country bring you:

peace in world relations,

honesty in their rhetoric,

openness in their policies.

May our educators bring us:

freedom in our thoughts,

knowledge of all things,

lessons in how to think.

May you bring your world:

integrity in your dealings,

love in your friendships,

beauty in your creations.

Once I had a dream…

© 2002 By John Doelman


Wishing you a New Year of dreams come true.


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Friday, 30 December 2005

I'm getting a cold

My throat hurts, my head hurts and I feel like a bag of shit.

I took two vitamins this morning, so hopefully, I can nip this thing in the bud.

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Thursday, 29 December 2005

Getting my passport renewed

What a FRICKIN’ nightmare!

I need to provide pretty much everything except my right arm to renew my Passport. I mean, I understand that security is a good thing, but GIVE ME A BREAK! I need to find someone who is on the list of acceptable guarantors and get it all signed before I can even begin to stand in line for 4 hours to get this shit done.

My existing Passport isn’t even expired until Tuesday. So, pray tell…why can’t I just bring in the old Passport with new photos and have them issue a new one??!! Instead, I have to take time off work to do all this crap.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Wednesday, 28 December 2005

So tired

Oh, so tired.

Christmas has worn me out. I am so exhausted. I didn’t sleep last night (thanks Hubster) but I know if I go to bed too early, I will be up at 2:00 am.

I just have to stay awake for another hour….. Pin It

Tuesday, 27 December 2005

New Life

Yesterday was a wonderful day. I “assisted” in my second certifying birth as a doula. Sheila from my office, gave birth to a beautiful little boy. He weighed 7 lbs, 13 ozs and was delivered by caesarean section after two hours of pushing.

It was, just like every other birth I have attended, wonderous and magical.

I thank God for the opportunity to experience birth over and over again.

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Sunday, 25 December 2005

Merry, Merry Christmas!

What a day! I am so exhausted. We were up at 7:50 (The boys were so cute…I was already awake, lying in bed, when I heard them whispering to each other so excitedly. They tiptoed into our room so that they wouldn’t wake us and I told them it was OK.

We all went downstairs and Boy Oneder LOST it when he saw his bike! We was absolutely thrilled. He rode it up and down our hallway all day!

We went to my Dad’s grave and I lit a candle for him and then we visited Hubster’s Dad’s grave.

Hubster’s sister and her family came over for lunch at 1:30 and we ate like PIGS. We played games all afternoon and then my sister and her family came over at 5:00. By 8:00, everyone was gone and I was cleaning…I did FOUR dishwasher loads today!

So, I am tired, but it’s a good tired…I spent the day with my family and I am so thankful for that.

OH!! The boys got me some bath stuff and Hubster got me a Spa Certificate for a manicure, pedicure and facial…he even booked me the appointment for the Saturday before we leave for our cruise….how thoughtful was THAT? Pin It

Saturday, 24 December 2005

Spyware sucks!

I just had to completely reimage my entire PC. I lost my PSP program and ALL my photos. I was completely infested with spyware, despite the fact that I had Ad-Aware, Spybot and Microsoft Anti-spy, which I ran DAILY.

Piss me off.

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Twas the night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

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Sunday, 18 December 2005

Down, down, down

Bluer than blue; sadder than sad…just plain down.

I can’t shake it…just can’t climb out of this hole.

Feeling like I have to put on my smile all the time. Nothing makes me happy…nothing.

Trying to get through the Christmas season and trying to look forward to our cruise…

I have so much to be thankful for and yet I am a miserable bitch.

Today, life SUCKS.

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Friday, 16 December 2005

Funny

I am listening to “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban as I surf the net and I *still* get that pain in the pit of my stomach when I listen. It brings me right back to Dad’s funeral, just like that.

I’m not crying, but I feel that familiar pain. I can almost smell Dad’s cologne. Very strange feeling.

I so wish that Josh was on tour…I’d love to see him in concert.

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Kidless!!

The boys are at Joanne’s house for the night…playing with their cousins. They are having a Christmas party at my sister’s tomorrow so we figured that they would have fun staying over.

Now, I SHOULD be cleaning the house, putting away laundry, wrapping gifts or bathing the dog, but I’m not. And I won’t. Kidless nights are so few and far between that I plan on playing on the net ALLLL evening. It helps that Hubster is writing his final exam tonight, so he’s not home to nag me to “be productive”. NICE!

I adore my family, but I really like alone-time…gonna use it to its fullest capacity! Pin It

Wednesday, 14 December 2005

Snow is coming

They’re calling for a DOOZY tomorrow…20 cms between tomorrow and Friday. Should be a FUN ride home tomorrow night and back to work on Friday. UGH!

I juat wrapped 16 Christmas gifts for my team. Man, I hate wrapping. I’m excited about handing them out tomorrow though…I’m such a sucker for “giving”…I actually prefer giving over receiving. It just gives me such a kick to see other people’s enjoyment.

10 more sleeps till Santa!!!

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Tuesday, 13 December 2005

I think I have figured it out

the reason for my sadness that is…

It’s my Dad. It’s deep inside, but I think his absence during the holidays brings me down. I haven’t really noticed that I am thinking about him more or anything, it just that when he does pop into my head, it’s a heavy, heavy sadness.

I guess I need to get my head around the fact that the holidays will never be the way they were. He is gone and is never coming back. It’s hitting me too that Mom is leaving on the 21st of December for England and won’t be back until February 5th. Throw into the mix that we are leaving for our cruise on February 2nd and that means I won’t see her for eight weeks. That’s a LONG time to be “parentless”.

So, I guess the first step is figuring out what is causing the blues…now I need to deal with them somehow.

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Monday, 12 December 2005

Some Christmas fun

Thanks to Julie for this little bit of Christmas fun…

Hot Chocolate or Egg Nog? Neither really, but if FORCED to choose, Hot Chocolate

Does Santa wrap the presents or just set them under the tree? He wraps them!

Colored or white lights on the tree/house? ALWAYS white. I can’t stand trees (and homes) that are all over the place with too many colours.

Do you hang mistletoe? Nope.

When do you decorate? This year, we decorated on December 4th. Our outside lights were up at the end of November, but not turned on until The first weekend in December. We usually decorate the first weekend in December.

What is your favorite holiday dish? Roast turkey with ALLLLL the trimmins’!!

Favorite Holiday memory as a child? My parents (especially my Dad) made sure that every Christmas was special. I think that may be why I am feeling so down right now. It’s not even a fully conscious feeling of missing Dad, but this time of year was his favourite, so it is obviously affecting me, more than even *I* know.

Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve? Nope. Last year, we let the kids open one gift each just to be different.

What kind of cookies do you set out for Santa on Christmas Eve? Chocolate chip.

Snow! Love it or hate it? HATE it…except on Christmas Day.

Can you ice skate? Yes. I played ringette all my life, so I can kick ass at skating.

Do you remember your favorite gift? Hmmm…there are so many special ones, that it’s hard to choose just one. I guess I’d choose the Cabbage Patch Kid that I got during the HUGE craziness in the 80’s. We had opened all of our presents and thought we didn’t get one…next thing, the doorbell rings, we open the door and there are two gifts there…a Cabbage Patch Kid for my sister and I. We didn’t even notice that Dad had disappeared to “deliver” them.

What is the most important thing about the holidays for you? To be with family and friends and to be charitable to those who are in need.

What’s your favorite holiday dessert? English Trifle.

What’s your favorite holiday tradition? Pulling Christmas Crackers.

What type of tree? For the last two years, we have had real trees. This year, everything on the tree is silver and blue.

Which do you prefer, giving or receiving? Definitely giving. I get such pleasure out of watching the boys’ excitement at getting what they wanted.

What is your favorite Christmas Carol? Gosh….so many of them. I guess I’d have to choose Mary’s Boy Child by Boney M

Candy Canes, YUCK or YUM? Yum!!


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Sunday, 11 December 2005

I don't know what's wrong with me

I just feel so blah. I have no patience, I am moody as hell, I can’t be bothered with anyone or anything…I just feel…..blah.

It’s a strange feeling. I just want to be left alone. I want everyone to just LEAVE ME ALONE. Stop asking questions, stop wanting attention, stop talking to me, stop sitting with me…just leave me alone.

God forgive me for saying that because I know if they DID leave me alone, I’d be lonely.

I think I need a weekend, in a hotel, with just my computer, a couple of really good books, a few bottles of wine and a jacuzzi tub. sigh….wishful thinking.

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Monday, 5 December 2005

Feeling a little blue today

Don’t know why…there is no reason really…just a little down. Christmas is hard because I really miss my Dad. Dad was all about Christmas. He loved this time of year.

I also miss my Max. He was such a pain in the ass when he was here, but he was MY pain in the ass…I miss his little face; I miss his stubby little tail wagging so hard his entire back end wagged with it; I miss his kisses.

I’m just in a zero-patience mood tonight, so I am staying away from the kids just as a precaution. I don’t want to yell at them for MY mood.

So, I am here on the couch, playing on the net and watching Nanny 911 (man I love this show). I think I’ll go to bed at 10 tonight…maybe I’m just tired.


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Friday, 2 December 2005

Parent/Teacher Interviews

We met with the boys’ french teacher and Middleman's grade one teacher last night. Boy Oneder's teacher is off on personal leave, so we have to wait until January to meet with him.

They are both doing very well in French and their teacher is very impressed with them.

Middleman's teacher says he is a very good boy. We need to work on making him more confident and outgoing (he never raises his hand to answer a question for fear of being wrong). He is very focused and uses his time well in class. He is a bit of a “follower” in that he gets into a little trouble when he is with the mischieveous boys. This is something that I am concerned with because it’s all good now, but I want him to be strong as a teenager and to resist peer pressure!

Overall, he is a good boy and the teacher has no concerns. Yay Middleman! Pin It

Wednesday, 30 November 2005

Pimp my ride!

I’m LOVING my new Santa Fe. It’s a 2006 in a steel blue colour. It’s gt a manual transmission, so it’s fun to use the stick shift, which I haven’t done in years. The boys love it too.

Only thing is that it was in exchange for Maxie. I miss him dearly. He is such a good little guy and I pray that the family that took him will love him as we did. I feel like I’ve lost a part of our family. As stupid as it sounds, being that he is “just a dog”, I loved him so.

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Monday, 28 November 2005

Bye little Maxie!

I had to give away my little Max today. I won’t get into the reasons here. Just know it wasn’t my doing. I pray with all my heart that the man who took him will love him MORE than we did.

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Thursday, 24 November 2005

It's beginning to SOUND alot like Christmas!

Everywhere I turn, I hear Christmas music. My Yahoo Launchcast, 97.3 Easy Rock, 102.5, in the stores…everywhere!

I’m not ready for Christmas yet…so much shopping to do, so little money.

The first snowfall arrived last night and it’s LOOKING like Christmas too.

I LOVE Christmas, but I’m SO not ready.

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Monday, 21 November 2005

Christmas preparation

So I wrapped three gifts tonight and I am already fed up. I have all the kids’ stocking stuffers bought…did that tonight…now I have to wrap them all…UGH!

I have about 10 presents from Santa/us and then all these stocking stuffers. It’s such a waste of time really…I mean think about it…we spend a good few hours wrapping the effing things and they are ripped open in less than 10 seconds.

OK, OK…I wouldn’t have it any other way, but man, I’m spent.

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Saturday, 19 November 2005

Outback Steakhouse

We took the boys out for dinner tonight. I am STUFFED.

That’s pretty much it for today.

I’m going to bed.

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Thursday, 17 November 2005

Inches are falling away!

I think I’ve lost a total of about 22 inches now. I am 162 pounds, but I am definitely shrinking!

I feel so good about myself!!!

YAY ME!

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Wednesday, 16 November 2005

Down again

I am now at a total of 10 pounds!!! WOOHOO!!!

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Sunday, 13 November 2005

Men suck sometimes

They just do.

That’s all I have to say about it.

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Saturday, 12 November 2005

Dreams

I had some weird dreams last night. I was on an overhead tram thingy and I was holding on for dear life because I felt like I was going to fall. It was like a tour and it took me through several rooms with different animals…the one I remember most was a wart-hog (WTF??). I just looked this up on the net and found this:

Warthog: To dream of a warthog is a warning of malicious gossip by a jealous acquaintance. Watch your step! If you chased or ran from the warthog in your dream, be prepared for a disappointment. If you killed it, you will successfully overcome your rivals.

I could see Middleman on the seat behind me (it was like a ski chair lift) and I was yelling for him to hold tight and then we did all these roller coaster type hills and I remember panicking, because I was afraid that Middleman would fall.

Next thing I know, I’m in my Dad’s bedroom at his condo and he is lying in the bed, dead, but he is still moving. My sister was talking to him and I kept telling her to stop because he was dead. It was so weird. His eyes were really scary-looking.

Very strange.

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Thursday, 10 November 2005

Less is more!

Down another 2 inches and 3/4 of a pound. Slow and steady is the key.

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Monday, 7 November 2005

Gotta love mental health days!

I took one today and I sooooo needed it. I worked on my Dad’s scrapbook and it looks wonderful!

I hung out, made chili for dinner and applied for my Canadian Citizenship card.

Life is B-E-A-UUUUUUUtiful today.

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Wednesday, 2 November 2005

The good, the bad and the downright AWFUL!

My week so far in a nutshell…

Monday…Halloween…LOVED it. The boys had so much fun and I think I had just as much fun.

Tuesday…one of my employees had an epileptic seizure. I had to call 911 and it was probably one of the most scary experiences of my life.

Wednesday…I am 14 inches smaller than I was 2 weeks ago and 7 pounds lighter! Hubster has strep throat and has a fever of 104.3. I called Telehealth because I was scared. The fever came down as I spoke to the nurse and now, he is resting UNcomfortably.

So, a pretty scary week all around, except for the inches and pounds lost.

SIGH…is it Friday yet? Pin It

Tuesday, 1 November 2005

Bye-bye Halloween, HELLO Christmas!

I can’t believe that it’s November 1st, Halloween is JUST over and my Yahoo Launchcast station is playing tons of Christmas music!!!

Time just flies by so quickly…I’m not ready to face Christmas and all it entails just yet.

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Monday, 31 October 2005

Happy Halloween!

BOO!!!

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Sunday, 30 October 2005

One more sleep!!

I am so pumped about Halloween, it’s no longer funny. I have wished today away just so I can dress up in my costume tomorrow!!!

I am R-E-A-D-Y!!! Come on Halloween!! Get here already!!!!!!!!!

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Friday, 28 October 2005

Thinking about Dad alot tonight

I had a hot stone massage last night and Christine, my massage therapist told me to focus inward and relax. I thought it would be nice for me to “visit” Dad in Heaven. So I pictured him, standing at the top of a hill, in the sunshine, arms open wide, and me running as hard as I could to get to him…he spun me around and around. The warmth of the stones made his hug seem that much more real…then I felt the strongest urge to cry, so I cut that thought out of my mind and tried to focus on my childhood memories. Again, I pictured Dad, this time on a park bench, in his younger days, healthy and robust. Just enjoying the quiet. I sat beside him and we held hands…again, the warmth of the stones in my hands made the vision even more real, and again, I had to fight back tears. So, I resorted to thoughts of me, lying on a beach, alone, in the sun.

Although the tears were fighting to come out, I felt so close to him for a minute. Just for a flash, he was with me again. He held me and the love that he always showed me was abundantly clear. I truly felt it.

When I try really hard, I can hear his voice; I can feel his hand…his bald head; I can smell his cologne and I can see his eyes…vividly. I hear him call me “Baba” (his version of baby) and I hear him say “I’m alright…” I never, ever want to lose that ability. The ability to recall him so vividly. I want to make sure I “practice” remembering him, so it never goes away.

It’s funny how the feelings of deep sadness are further apart now, but the deepness of sadness and the pain it causes are as fresh as the moment he died and I think, more scathing. The hurt is not as often, but with each time I feel it, it gets worse. The physical pain cannot be described, nor measured. My chest feels like a fist is punching right through my body. The tears flow freely…and then, just as quickly as the pain began, it is over and I am going on with life…until the next time.

Gosh I miss him…

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My Halloween costume



Drucilla the Witch. I have my nails painted bright purple with black and sparkly zebra stripes…NICE!

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Thursday, 27 October 2005

Blech!

Boy Oneder has strep throat. The school called me at 1:30 to say that he was in the office with a sore throat. He woke me up at 6:00 this morning complaining that it hurt, but it was better at schooltime, so I sent him. Obviously a mistake. So he spent the afternoon on the couch, with a fever, not eating or drinking. Of course my mother-in-law goes into panic-mode because he won’t eat anything and we all know that not eating for one day will make you die of starvation (rolls eyes).

So, I’m on my way home and Hubster calls me to say that Boy Oneder is REALLY sick. So, since I have a nail appointment, I say “So take him to the walk-in clinic.” Hubster says he is busy, so I say I’ll take him when I get home.

Long story short, the walk-in doctor diagnoses strep throat and prescribes Zithromax. Boy Oneder is in bed now, hopefully to sleep ALL night with no Mommy-wake-ups…LOL.

I swear Boy Oneder is a strep-magnet. He gets it AT LEAST once a year. Middleman, knock on wood, seems to be more immune. Probably because I breastfed him for 18 months. Pin It

Wednesday, 26 October 2005

Good news, bad(ish) news

The bad news: I’ve gained 1/2 a pound, but I am due for my period, so that’s OK.

The good news: I’ve lost a total of 7.25 inches!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!

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The skinny

Tonight is weigh-in/measurement night at Herbal Magic. I’m hoping for good news, but I wonder if I am expecting too much too fast. I keep trying to keep myself realistic, but I am so excited about this whole “new me” thing.

I’ll post my stats later tonight…fingers crossed for “less” of me!!

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Tuesday, 25 October 2005

Getting ready for Halloween!

I am so excited! I have two costumes…one for United Way Dress Up day for Friday and one for Monday, Halloween.

I love Halloween ALMOST as much as Christmas!

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Choosing a scale

I weigh in at Herbal Magic on Wednesdays and get measured too. Problem is, I am dressed and it is late in the day, plus they use one of those old scales with the height measurement on it. So, I have decided to record my weight based on my home scale. I weigh first thing in the morning, naked and it is a digital scale.

According to my scale, I have lost 6 lbs. YAY ME!

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Monday, 24 October 2005

Weight Loss is GOOD!

In exactly one week, I have lost 4.5 lbs. Thank you Herbal Magic!!! I feel soooo good. I know it’s a small amount, but to me, it’s HUGE! I NEED to feel good about myself. I need every ounce of positivity I can get. This is a start.

At work today, we handed out “appreciation-grams”. I ordered one for everyone on my team, my boss and the other team leader. It felt so good to see everyone feel appreciated. I get more pleasure out of seeing others happy than I get from receiving.

Again, life is good. Wow…three days in a row. I think that’s a record!

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Sunday, 23 October 2005

My uterus hurts

No…I don’t have my period. No…I’m not pregnant, though I wish I was.

I have baby-itis. My friend, Julie came over today with her 6.5 month old son, Tyler. He has to be one of the most adorable babies I have ever laid eyes on. OK…maybe I’m a bit biased because I was Julie’s doula and was one of the first people to meet “Baby G”, but man oh man is he cute. He has the bluest eyes and the sweetest smile. I held him in my arms and my uterus started to hurt. I just love babies, and funnily enough, they seem to love me right back! I guess they can sense how much I love them.

I long for those baby-days…breastfeeding, bathing, gurgling, cooing, smiling and pulling hair. Diaper changing, sleepless nights, fresh baby smell and little teeny toes and fingers.

Sigh….gotta get my 6 and 9 year olds to bed. Maybe they’ll let me coo at them for a while…


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Saturday, 22 October 2005

Gray skies are gonna clear up! Put on a happy face!

I’ve lost 4 lbs and I met with my new therapist.

Mariella is wonderful. We connected right from the get-go. We talked about all my issues and she assured me that “we” will get through it all. I meet with her again next week.

Weight loss is wonderful. I have such high spirits and more energy because of it. I GUTTED my ensuite today and will finish my bedroom tomorrow.

Today, life is good.


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Tuesday, 18 October 2005

Today is a better day

I feel much better today. I think I had a change of mindset last night when I made that change I referred to.

I have an appointment with a therapist on Thursday. I think she will help me with all my issues.

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Monday, 17 October 2005

Life changes

I took the first step in changing my life for the better tonight. I won’t share what I did because I am afraid it will fail. I will share when I am confident that I have succeeded.

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Poetry

Nearly Unnoticed
by Reese

She is lonely
Even though you can’t tell
She is reaching out
For what, she doesn’t know
She will continue to sit in silence
And hope that someone may stumble across
Her and all of her emptiness
But they only hope that they do it in time
Otherwise she will have drifted too far
And she may let go
Of whatever grasp of the world she has
As she slowly fades out of the lives of everyone
Nearly unnoticed.

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Counting my blessings

Things I am grateful for, not necessarily in this order:

My health;
My husband;
My children;
My home;
My job;
My boss;
My employees;
My 34 years with my Dad;
My Mom;
My grandparents;
My mother-in-law;
My nieces;
My nephews;
My computer;
My dogs;
My friends.


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Sunday, 16 October 2005

Happier times

Just felt the need to post something happy….this was the happiest day of my life. The day my sweet Boy Oneder was born…June 28th, 1996.

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Is it too much to ask?

I’ve been thinking … seems that’s ALL I’ve been doing lately…and I wonder if maybe MY expectations of other people are too high.

Is it too much to ask to be loved for who I am in my heart and not what I look like?
Is it too much to ask to have others treat me as I treat them?
Is it too much to ask to be given compliments for my good qualities instead of always focusing on the negative?
Is it too much to ask for someone to just listen to me? Just open their heart and listen. No advice, no opinions, no judgements…just an ear.
Is it too much to ask to wake up one day and just be genuinely happy? Without having to think about it or work at it…just BE happy.

I think maybe my wishes ARE in fact too much to ask. I just want to be happy. I can’t even say that I want to be happy AGAIN, because I don’t know that I have ever truly been happy. I have to work at being happy every day. Every single day is a chore for me. Every single day is just another day. As far as I can remember, it’s always been this way, but even more so since I lost Dad. I’ve tried the pills, the therapists, the meditations…you name it. Sometimes it works for a little while, but before long, I’m back to my “normal” self.

I kind of feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Always sad and moping. Woe is me. But it is so hard to try to be happy. I just get sick of trying all the time…trying and failing. Life is such a struggle for me, mentally. I have so much to be thankful for, which adds guilt into the mix, but I just get tired of being sad. I feel sorry for those around me because most of the time, I must be such an awful person to be with. It’s a wonder I have any friends really.

For anyone who has never felt this way, you just won’t understand…*I* don’t even understand…maybe I never will.

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My foundation is crumbling...

Everything around me is falling apart at the seams. I am feeling lost and hurt. I have nowhere to turn. I feel completely and utterly alone.

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Saturday, 15 October 2005

Oh Dad...

Days have been so much easier lately with dealing with Dad’s death. After last night, I can’t stop thinking about him though. That physical pain in my chest is back. The ache of an unfillable hole in my heart. I see him in bed the night before he died…I was lying on the left hand side of the bed, on my side, watching him sleep. He was on the right side of the bed, on his side, holding my hand…for dear life. He’d wake every so often and smile that sweet smile. Every time he opened his eyes, I’d tell him I loved him…and through his pain, every time, he said “I love you too.” We knew. We both knew…the suffering was coming to an end.

I was talking to a friend at the charity dinner last night and we were discussing how when someone dies, we carry guilt. No matter how, where or when someone dies, someone inevitably feels guilt. My guilt lies in not bringing Dad back home to die. He wanted to be home and we couldn’t fulfill that wish. I held his cheeks while he lay on the stretcher in his bedroom, before the paramedics took him to the hospital…I looked into his eyes and promised him we’d bring him home again….we never did. He died at the hospital. As much as I realize that it was out of my control, I will carry that guilt with me until the day I meet him again.

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Fun for a good cause

Hubster and I attended the second annual “Life Over Lymphoma” gala last night, along with 748 other people. Life Over Lymphoma is a foundation which was created by a dear friend of Hubster’s, Philip Lavorgna. He was taken by Non-Hodgins’ Lymphoma two years ago…just before my Dad died. His wife, Joanne, has continued Philip’s dream to raise money and awareness about Lymphoma. Their website gives the details.

I am so proud to have know Phil. He was a wonderful human being. I am proud to be a part of the fundraising efforts of his wife. She presented a cheque to Dr. Minden of Princess Margaret Hospital for $30,000.00 last night. Funnily enough, Dr. Minden was my father’s doctor. I spent a few minutes with him last night and was shocked that he remembered me, my name and my Dad. He remembered how Dad loved motorcycles and we reminisced a little bit. It was awesome to speak to the man who played such an integral part in my Dad’s last 5 years.

Giving to charity is such an awesome feeling… Pin It

Thursday, 13 October 2005

I absolutely ADORE this photo of Middleman

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Wednesday, 12 October 2005

The toy room is *finally* clean

I spent the entire evening tonight cleaning the toy room. There was so much crap in there that the kids didn’t even attempt to play with anything. Their air hockey table was completely covered in books, papers, puzzles, cars and lego. The closet was full of Middleman's old clothes that no longer fit. The bed was coered in action figures. The videos and DVDs were EVERYWHERE! It was like an episode of Clean Sweep…BEFORE. Now, it’s like the AFTER shot. I love it! Now…how long will it last THIS time? LOL! Pin It

Thinking happy thoughts again

Things that taste good:

Roast beef, cooked medium rare;
Cheeseburgers with ketchup, mustard, mayo and lettuce;
Poutine from New York Fries;
Cheese pizza;
Hot popcorn with LOTS of butter;
COLD White Zinfendel;
Fish and parsely sauce;
English chocolate;
Fresh, crisp apples with my homemade dip;
Tim Horton’s Coffee with one cream, two sugar.

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Monday, 10 October 2005

Update to this morning's excitement

There WERE kittens under there. Two of them. They were “older” kittens, but kittens all the same. Mamma must have raised them under our deck. So weird. We never heard any signs of kitties or anything and the dogs just noticed them now. ???

They ran away so fast that I couldn’t catch them, but Hubster has boarded up the deck BIG TIME now, so hopefully, they won’t come back!

I hate cats. Pin It

Sunday, 9 October 2005

My song

I heard this song on the radio today and the lyrics just said exactly what I am feeling lately…

“Welcome To My Life” - Simple Plan

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels all right
You don’t know what it’s like

To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you’re bleeding
No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels all right
You don’t know what it’s like

To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I’m happy but I’m not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don’t know what it’s like, what it’s like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like (what it’s like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life


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Friday, 7 October 2005

Autumn air

The air has a certain “crispness” to it today. I think fall has finally arrived. It is a gray, damp, cold day today and although I love the fall, I find myself dreading the winter on its heels.

The leaves are all starting to change colour and it is a beautiful time of year. Time to snuggle under the blankets in bed to keep warm. No more sweating or humidity. No more smog. The days are getting ever shorter though. I’ll miss the evenings on the deck, light until 9:30.

On the bright side, it’s candle-burning season! I’ve broken out the cranberry-apple, pumpkin pie and maple syrup candles and my house smells AWESOME!

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Thursday, 6 October 2005

Lasagna for 32, courtesy of Mamma Dawn

Last night, I made 4 trays of lasagna. My team at work is so wonderful, I decided to treat them to homemade lasagne. Then I figured, I couldn’t treat just *my* team because the West team would feel left out. Sooooooooooo….last night, I spent the entire evening making homemade sauce and lasagna.

I am exhausted, but everyone LOVED it. Mostly, I’m glad I made them feel appreciated.

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